


No One I Love

by IreallyHateViolence (KaliaLovesStories)



Series: Can't Live Without You [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Hate to Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Rough Kissing, Unrequited Love, confused feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-01-07 18:30:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12238338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliaLovesStories/pseuds/IreallyHateViolence
Summary: Shizuo's chasing Izaya like every other day. But what will he do when instead of just hitting the flea with one of his projectiles he actually chases Izaya into a corner and catches him? Unexpected feelings slowly develop and he finds himself looking at Izaya in a whole new light.





	1. Shizuo's Lucky Day...?

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first fan fiction I've ever written, please read it anyway I really want to know what people think of it. There are probably other stories that follow the same idea already out there but I haven't found any that are exactly the same so you know... I hope you guys like it, I'm going to be trying to update every week so here it is.

“IIIIZZAAAAAYYAAAA KUUUUNN!” Shizuo’s harsh voice split the crisp evening air in Ikebukuro as he grabbed the nearest object and threw it at the man in question.

The flea had done it again. He’d come to Ikebukuro and Shizuo just knew that he was planning something unpleasant. He didn’t know what the bastard was up to and he didn’t need to know, he just needed to kill the flea.

Izaya of course, had other plans. He dodged the projectile, a vending machine Shizuo noted, and took off running in the other direction. Shizuo growled under his breath, the louse wasn’t getting away today. Izaya quickly disappeared around a corner but Shizuo gave chase. Following him Shizuo rounded the corner and his eyes immediately began searching frantically for the flea. Izaya had turned onto a crowded street, but it didn’t take Shizuo long to spot him slipping through the crowd faster than should have been possible. Shizuo barreled straight for him, blindly shoving people out of the way, eyes fixed on Izaya. Just as Shizuo was about to catch up to him Izaya ducked into an alleyway. Shizuo careened into the alley only to skid to a halt. Izaya’s knife grazing across the blond’s nose as he leaned back.

“Do try to keep up _Shizu-chan_.” The annoyance cooed, emphasizing the nickname by stepping forward and slashing at Shizuo’s face again.

Shizuo stepped back, barely dodging the knife and putting himself off balance. Apparently that’s what Izaya wanted. He seized the opportunity and leapt onto Shizuo’s shoulders vaulting up at a terrifying speed to grasp a low hanging balcony and pull himself up.

“You’re not getting away bastard!” Shizuo called after him, as the flea disappeared through a doorway leading off the balcony.

He said that, but Shizuo wasn’t sure how he was going to catch the flea this time. Then he spotted the fire escape on the adjacent building a few yards down the alley. There was no way the flea could have reached it but Shizuo was significantly taller. With a running jump his hand gripped the bottom platform and he pulled himself up. Taking the stairs three or four at a time, he reached the top platform. Without even thinking he jumped again. Placing his foot on the railing he shoved hard, launching himself up to grasp the edge of the roof. Instinct told him that’s where the flea was going and he’d learned to trust his instincts. He pulled himself over the low railing onto the roof just as a door burst open on the opposite roof. Izaya backed out of it, presumably checking to see if he was being followed. Apparently satisfied that he had outwitted his pursuer, he turned around flippantly with a sardonic grin on his face. Then his eyes met Shizuo’s watching him from the next roof, he froze.

Shizuo gave him what must have been a vicious grin before leaping from the railing of his roof, easily clearing the short distance to land on Izaya’s rooftop.

Izaya had his knife out by now and the two stood, tense and glaring for a moment.

“Come now Shizu-chan,” Izaya said finally, relaxing his posture slightly and opening his arms in a mockingly peaceful gesture. “What did I do to be chased through the streets like a criminal?”

“You piss me off.” Shizuo growled. It was a phrase he’d thrown at the flea so often he’d forgotten how many times he’d used it.

“That’s not very logical Shizu-chan.” Izaya taunted him.

Shizuo knew it wasn’t logical but he didn’t care. He’d long since tired of trying to figure out the mess of emotions that boiled through him whenever he saw the flea. It was far easier to just shout out that phrase and attack, which was usually what would happen anyway.

Seeing his taunt have little effect Izaya danced forward. Shizuo Immediately tried to punch the flea in his annoyingly pretty face. Only to have Izaya grin viciously as he ducked under Shizuo’s wildly swinging fist and dashed past, slashing Shizuo’s side as he did. Shizuo heard his own feral growl of pain but didn’t really register it as his body moved to chase after the flea. He barely heard the other’s name leave his lips as Izaya leapt gracefully from the building. Not even trying to stop himself, he followed right after. 

Only reflexes gained from years of chasing the flea kept Shizuo from breaking something as he landed on the awning over the door of the building he’d jumped off. Sliding haphazardly down he landed in a crouch and scanned quickly for Izaya. Even before his eyes found the louse Shizuo was ripping the nearest signpost from the ground. As soon as he found him Shizuo launched the sign, it flew like a javelin. Without even looking behind Izaya dodged the projectile and ducked into another alley, Shizuo following close on his heels.

Growling viciously Shizuo surrendered himself to rage and adrenaline. Letting it drive him after Izaya. It was familiar they had done this hundreds of times before and would thousands of times again.

 

It felt like mere minutes but by the time Shizuo chased Izaya into a particularly dark alley the setting sun had disappeared, and Ikebukuro was lit only be the electric lights of the city. The street that led to the alley had only a few flickering lamps casting dark shadows in front of Shizuo. It took a moment to realize that Izaya had backed himself into a corner. There was no other exit to the alley, not even a fire escape or a low hanging balcony.

Izaya was trapped, but he wasn’t giving up. He had his knife out and was slashing at Shizuo. Having let his instincts take over long ago Shizuo easily stopped the knife. He felt the bones of Izaya’s wrist grind together in his grasp. The flea twisted, trying to get around Shizuo and escape the alley.

Shizuo was having none of it.

As he started to slip away Shizuo’s hand snaked up his arm to grab his shoulder, while his free hand seized Izaya’s other wrist. With Izaya in his grasp he pushed, hard. Slamming the flea into the alley wall, trapping him in earnest as the slender back and wrist hit the rough brick wall.

He’d caught him. He’d finally caught the flea. He could finally…

His mind and body were still running on adrenaline and instinct, but something had changed. His actions were no longer driven by rage. Before he could even realize what he was doing, let alone stop himself, Shizuo was leaning closer in. Towards the smaller man he had pressed hard against the wall. Before his mind could catch up to the situation, before he could tell himself what a bad idea this was. Shizuo was kissing Izaya full on the mouth. Then his mind went blank. His senses completely overwhelmed by the connection all he knew was that he wanted more.

His senses returned when he heard a whimper coming from Izaya. That couldn’t be right. The flea never whimpered. Then Shizuo realized what he was doing and shoved himself back, just putting some distance between them while maintaining his hold on the raven.

What the hell was he doing?! He was supposed to be killing the flea not kissing him. He pulled his hand back as if to do just that…

Then he caught sight of Izaya’s face.

Frozen was the only way to describe it. His red eyes were open in shock and his taunting lips, still glistening with Shizuo’s saliva were slightly parted as if to deliver some jab. But none came.

Shizuo paused for a moment then, cursing, let his fist fly.

Shizuo turned and walked out of the alley, one thought chasing itself around his head. What the hell had he just done?


	2. Izaya Made a Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the next chapter I hope you guys like it.

Izaya knew he was going to die.

He had made a mistake. Now he would pay with his life.

He had been enjoying the usual feeling of his chase with Shizu-chan. The rush of adrenaline the thrum of his heartbeat. The feeling of staying just one step ahead of the beast. There was a power in it that Izaya relished almost as much as he relished the thrill of having his monster’s attention focused solely on him. The feeling of knowing that, as far as Shizu-chan was concerned, they were the only two people that existed. It was a chase they’d had hundreds of times before and would thousands of times again. Because Izaya could no more let Shizu-chan forget him than he could give up this feeling.

Izaya had lost himself in the thrill of the chase and had taken a wrong turn. He’d almost been able to slip past Shizu-chan out of the alley but the beast had caught him and was pinning him to the wall a low growl emitting from his throat. Izaya hissed a primal response to the primitive sound. He’d always known it would end this way. It had to end eventually, but Izaya could never give up Shizu-chan while he was alive. So he chose to provoke the monster until Izaya himself inevitably slipped up.

So now here they were, Shizuo pinning him to the wall and growling at him, Izaya hissing in response. Izaya opened his mouth to give Shizu-chan a verbal jab that would be the last push he’d need to land the final blow. Before he could say anything, the beast had leaned in. Before Izaya could move to struggle uselessly against the beasts hold on him, Shizu-chan’s mouth was covering his.

 The monster’s lips were soft and warm, Izaya was shocked. He’d thought the beast’s lips would be rough and harsh, the way Izaya’s name sounded as it rolled off the other’s tongue. The tongue that was now sliding it’s way past Izaya’s slightly parted lips.

Wait… sliding past his….

Oh shit shit shit _shit SHIT!!!_ Izaya couldn’t take this!

It’s not that it was painful, the beast’s mouth was surprisingly gentle, even the monstrous grip on his shoulder and wrist had relaxed into something that was merely holding him in place rather than pinning him harshly to the rough brick against his back. It was that very gentleness however that was the problem. It made Izaya want to deepen the kiss, to nip playfully at the other’s lower lip, to hear the beast growl in something other than rage. 

It was all the raven could do to hold back from his urges. Before he even realized it a sound that was horribly close to a whimper had escaped him.

As if he’d been electrocuted the beast pulled away. The crushing grasp had returned to his hands and his golden eyes were staring straight into Izaya. Izaya could drown himself in Shizu-chan’s eyes. They were alive and bright. The adrenaline and rage in them made those eyes look half like the eyes of an animal, but there was something else in those eyes too. Something that the raven saw only on occasion. A flicker of consciousness he’d taken to calling it. The part that made him human. No, the part that made him Shizu-chan, for it was a flicker he’d never seen in any other human.

Izaya saw Shizu-chan pull his fist back, he knew what was coming next. The motion was slow enough that if Izaya had wanted he could have pulled his flick blade and escaped. He didn’t care. Izaya was going to die by the beast’s hands, lost in the humanity behind his eyes.

He barely even flinched when Shizu-chan’s fist landed in the wall centimeters from his head, almost brushing against Izaya’s ear and slightly shifting his hair. He couldn’t register what was happening when the beast turned his back on Izaya and walked to the end of the alley. He wanted to scream “ _don’t go_ ” as his monster stepped out into the street. But Shizu-chan disappeared around the corner, shoving his hands in his pockets as he went. Izaya was glad his body wouldn’t move so he couldn’t chase after Shizu-chan before his mind caught up enough to stop himself.

_What the_ hell _was that?_

His body wouldn’t move so Izaya just stood there. Frozen in place where the golden eyed beast had left him.

It was minutes after Shizu-chan had disappeared before he could bring himself to even shut his mouth. The rough brick wall scraped against Izaya’s back as he sank, trembling, to the ground.

He was alive. Izaya had honestly thought that Shizu-chan would really kill him this time. But he was alive. He raised a hand, willing it to stop shaking. Once his hand listened to his command he pressed his fingers to his lips, almost as if to check If they were still there.

He felt the sly smile spreading across his face, more through his fingertips than his facial muscles. He felt his mind finally catching up to the events that had just occurred. As his eyes narrowed he let the smile widen into a mischievous, almost spiteful, grin.

Shizu-chan had kissed him. Izaya could work with that.

Finally lowering his hand Izaya stood up from his seat on the alley pavement, grinning broadly now. He bounced to the end of the alley and looked around. The dark street was deserted. Izaya liked it that way too, eagerly he headed home.

_This will be fun._

Even his thoughts took on a sing songy tone as he almost skipped all the way to his apartment. Working out the details of the plan beginning to form in his mind. The first step would be the hardest, because the first thing he had to do was wait. But Izaya was patient.  The same couldn’t be said for a certain beast he knew. Izaya hummed a little as he opened the door to his apartment and slipped inside. Wondering how Shizu-chan would react if he knew what “the flea” was planning.

 

* * *

 

When Shizuo got home that night he still couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t just killed the flea. It was even worse than that though. He’d spent over an hour eating and later chatting with Celty, trying to distract himself from the fact that he’d kissed Izaya. He hadn’t told Celty about his fight with the flea, he just wasn’t sure he could talk about it yet.

When he got home, there was nothing to distract him from the memory.

“Shit” he muttered settling into his couch with a glass of milk and flipping through the channels on the TV. He’d watch something for just a little bit before he went to bed he told himself, that should distract him pretty well.

“Dammit dammit dammit dammit” Shizuo was muttering under his breath about five minutes later. He wasn’t mad, not really, but he was still flipping through the channels on TV and there was nothing on that could catch his attention. Growling he have up, switching the television off he gently tossed the remote to the side, it bounced a couple of times and Shizuo glared at his too strong hands. And remembered. He remembered that hand grabbing a thin pale wrist. He remembered how small and fragile Izaya had felt as he’d pinned the other man to the wall. The way it felt to envelope Izaya’s shoulder in his hand. He remembered…

Shaking his head he hooked his arms over the back of his couch and leaned his head all the way back. “What the hell?” He growled, looking up at the low ceiling of his apartment.

_Why the hell did I kiss the fucking flea?_

He went over the event of the night in his head. He’d chased the flea. He’d caught the flea. He could have killed the flea. He _should_ have killed the flea. Instead…

“Daaammiiiittt” the word was drawn out in confusion and frustration rather than anger

He remembered the way the flea’s lips had felt. They were thin like they looked, but they had also been soft and warm, promising more. Shizuo had sought it out instinctively with his tongue. And then Izaya, _Izaya_ of all people, had _whimpered_.

Shizuo sighed finishing his milk and standing. He didn’t want to think about this anymore. It was too close to the confusing jumble of feelings he’d spent years ignoring and only served to frustrate him.

Muttering to himself he cleaned the glass and went to bed.

Perhaps it was because he went to bed thinking about the other man but that night he dreamt of Izaya.

_Shizuo was chasing the flea through the streets and rooftops of Ikebukuro. Every now and then the raven would turn around and taunt him, rusty red eyes watching sharply as Shizuo advanced. Then Shizuo paused studying those red eyes as they stared back. There was no fear in those eyes. There never was. Even when Shizuo had caught him, fully intent on killing the other man. There had been no fear in Izaya’s eyes._

_“Of course there was no fear.” Izaya said stepping forward. Reality distorted and in just a few steps they were only a few feet apart._

_“I could never be afraid of you Shizu-chan.” One more step and Shizuo was looking down at Izaya, almost nose to nose as their eyes bored into each other._

_“You need me for that.” Izaya whispered._

Shizuo woke with a start. Delight and rage running through him at the same time. It felt similar to fighting Izaya. The words from his dream replayed through his head

_“I could never be afraid of you Shizu-chan. You need me for that.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's got a bit of Izaya's pov in it, sorry the story didn't really progress very far... but I really wanted to show you guys what Izaya was thinking during the kiss.


	3. Obsession

 

_He wanted to fight Izaya. He wanted to see red eyes again, to chase a taunting smile over the rooftops. He’d capture that slender wrist and…_

Forcing his eyes open Shizuo stopped that train of thought. He wasn’t sure where it was going but if it wasn’t killing Izaya, then it wasn’t where his mind needed to be. Disoriented he sat up in bed, and gripped his blankets tightly. Staring at his door he confirmed that he was in his bedroom, alone. Not in some alley with the flea. Glancing at the clock he groaned. It was 7:04am. He didn’t have to work today which meant he had a rare chance to sleep in. Flopping back down on his bed he rolled over. Maybe he could get a couple more hours of sleep before getting up. Shizuo let his eyelids drift shut only to find taunting red eyes waiting for him. Great. Now the flea wouldn’t even let him sleep. Sitting back up Shizuo stretched and shook himself. Trying to rid his limbs of the feeling of chasing Izaya and the desire to do more. It didn’t really work but he could pretend. Maybe he would go for a walk today. If he went out he’d probably run into Celty or Kadota, or maybe Shinra, though that was less likely. He wasn’t sure if he could tell his friends what happened but at the very least it would help distract him. Shizuo paused for a moment, as he let himself actually think about the kiss. The weirdest part was he hadn’t hated it. He’d even gone so far as to use his tongue. During the whole thing all he could think was more. If Izaya hadn’t whimpered, he probably wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from ripping the flea’s clothes off.

Shizuo shook his head vigorously. Quickly releasing his blankets to avoid ripping them as he diverted his thoughts. There was no way in hell he would ever want to do _that_ with the demonic little louse. No matter how hypnotic his eyes or soft his lips. But that whimper…

No! Shizuo had definitely _not_ thought it was cute.

Grumbling to himself, Shizuo began to get dressed and prepare for his day. Trying, and failing, to keep his mind off Izaya and the events of the previous evening. He took his time showering and eating breakfast. Switching on the television as an unsuccessful distraction. He finally left his apartment for a walk around 11 determined not to think about rusty red eyes or slender wrists.

 

It didn’t take long for Shizuo to give up on keeping his mind off Izaya. He’d walked the streets of Ikebukuro every day, but today all he could see were the fights he’d had with the flea.

He’d ripped that signpost out in their fight three days ago. The city hadn’t had time to replace it yet. He felt kinda bad for that but mostly blamed it on the flea. A few streets away the store wall had an immense hole in it. If the punch had connected it probably would have crushed Izaya’s ribcage.

It would have irritated Shizuo that he kept thinking of Izaya so much, except that every time he did he remembered the whimper Izaya had made when Shizuo kissed him. Then his emotions turned from anger to frustration and something disturbingly close to concern for the raven. Izaya never showed weakness. Ever.

But it hadn’t been a whimper, not really. It had been something more than that. Like a cross between a whine and a growl. The only thing was it had been higher pitched than that. Except that wasn’t it either. Shizuo had no idea how to classify the sound Izaya had made. Had it been pain? Shizuo wasn’t sure how hard his grip on Izaya had been. But if it were pain the flea should have reacted when he was released. He hadn’t looked afraid either. Surprise had definitely been an element.

_What the hell am I thinking about it so much for?_

It still bothered him. Not least because that train of thought sounded like he was trying to convince himself that Izaya was fine.

Resignedly Shizuo stopped in the park for a smoke. He’d been wandering around aimlessly for about an hour and he still couldn’t stop thinking about Izaya. Grumbling to himself he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Shizuo’s thoughts had been going in circles all day and it wasn’t getting him anywhere. He leaned on a guardrail to turn his back on a couple that looked like they were about to start kissing any moment. He wondered where the flea was. Shizuo had been walking all over Ikebukuro and hadn’t caught a glimpse of a bouncing furlined coat or even the slightest whiff of the flea. He held back a low growl as another couple walked past holding their hands between them and talking eagerly. Shizuo didn’t see Izaya every day, but he’d been certain that the flea would seek him out to tuant him about the events of last night. Izaya was always telling Shizuo that he was ‘a busy man` but that had never stopped him before. So where was he? And dammit had there always been this many couples in South Ikebukuro park? They were really starting to piss him off! He put out his cigarette and stomped across the street to the fast food place. He would eat something and then go home.

 

As he left the fast food place Shizuo took a deep breath. Trying to remember if there was anything else he had to do. But as the door swung shut behind him he froze dead in his tracks. He’d caught a drift of the scent he’d been looking for. Izaya was nearby. Shizuo scanned the area anxiously.

_Where is he?_

There was no fur-lined coat or taunting red eyes anywhere on the street. Grumbling Shizuo hoped he wasn’t imagining things. He stood there for a moment figuring out what to do. There were a few errands he could run. If he stayed out long enough he would probably find the source of that smell.

 

A few hours later Shizuo returned to his apartment in defeat. He’d spent hours wandering around and sitting in parks with no sign of Izaya. Finally deciding that he must be imagining things he headed home.

Even there he couldn’t relax.

He was still smelling Izaya everywhere. Growling quietly to himself Shizuo pulled out another packet of cigarettes and lit one up. He picked up the remote from where he’d dropped it that morning and flipped through the channels till he found a show he liked, settling into his couch he tried to watch it. Unable to focus with the infuriatingly intoxicating scent of the flea Shizuo found himself arbitrarily changing channels until he got hungry. He took one last drag on his cigarette then left his apartment heading towards Russia Sushi. He’d been craving sushi since this morning, and unless Izaya was actually there Shizuo couldn’t imagine that restaurant having the annoying flea stench that had been following him since this afternoon.

 

Upon his arrival he was greeted with Simon’s usual.

“Shi _zu_ o, you come eat sushi today?”

He liked the way the Russian put the emphasis in his name. It always helped calm him down, helped him breathe a little easier.

He nodded to Simon without saying anything as he walked through the door.

Simon grinned “Sushi good, sushi make happy face when you eat it.”

Shizuo wasn’t sure if that last bit was directed at him or the people walking by outside. It didn’t really matter though. As soon as he walked through the door he spotted Kadota and his gang, Shizuo could use some company right now. He walked over to their table and sat down without waiting for an invitation.

“Hey Kadota” He said, nodding to the other man who was watching Shizuo get settled over the rim of his cup.

“Shizuo” Kadota greeted, setting his cup down and nodding “Was there something you wanted or are you just here to eat sushi?”

“Just here for the sushi.” Shizuo appreciated the bluntness.

There had never been a need to mince words between the two of them. They were friends and that made things simple. Kadota nodded again as the group returned to their conversation.

Shizuo only half listened to the conversation as his order arrived and he began to eat his meal. It was some nonsense about a BL manga Erika had talked Walker into reading. Shizuo had little interest in such things so he just tuned out the words and enjoyed the sound of happy voices around him. He let his mind drift and as they inevitably had all day his thoughts landed on Izaya. He wondered what the flea was planning, wondered how he was going to use last night to torment Shizuo. There was no doubt in Shizuo’s mind that Izaya would use the kiss, it was just a matter of how.

 “It’s like when Shizuo is chasing Izaya.”

At the sound of his name Shizuo looked up. He knew Erika was eccentric, so he was apprehensive of where this was going.

“It’s not like he loves Izaya any less he still wants to ravish him.”

Shizuo’s brain froze, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t protest, all he could do was listen in growing horror as Erika finished her thought.

“It’s just that Izaya loves the chase so much that he can’t help but goad Shizu-Shizu into it.”

Shizuo didn’t want to strangle Kadota’s eccentric friend. So he stood up abruptly, turned on his heel and walked out the door. He wasn’t fast enough, because he still heard Erika’s excited voice telling Walker.

“Izaya-kun’s going to let Shizuo catch him eventually though, he just can’t help himself.”

Outside Shizuo shook his head violently to get the image of Izaya pinned to the wall out of his mind. Simon said something to him as he strode down the sidewalk but he didn’t even listen to the words. He did _not_ love the flea that was _not_ what was going on here.

“Shizuo” a hand descended on his shoulder from behind. Growling he spun grabbing the wrist of the person who’d touched him and pinned them by the neck to the wall next to him.

“I am _not_ in love with that little fleabag.”  He growled into the surprised face he found.

“I never said you were.” Kadota countered quickly in a desperate attempt to placate his furious friend.

There was a tense pause as Shizuo tried desperately to control himself. Finally, he removed his hand from Kadota’s neck and slowly released his wrist.

“Sorry” he mumbled trying not to look at the ground in the face of his friend. “I shouldn’t have walked out like that.” He added ruefully.

“It’s fine” Kadota said, waving a hand in a dismissive gesture. Shizuo noticed guiltily that he was rubbing his neck with the other hand. “Erika’s always been an eccentric. I actually came out to apologize for her and make sure you’re ok. You’ve been unusually quiet today.”

Shizuo gave him a surprised look. It had been so loud in his head he hadn’t realized he’d been quiet.

Kadota’s eyes narrowed at that “You _are_ ok, aren’t you?” he asked suspiciously “That was some reaction you had just now.”

Shizuo looked away, he knew he wasn’t. He just didn’t know if he could tell Kadota what had happened.

His friend noticed the hesitation and turned down the street in the direction Shizuo had been walking. Shizuo easily fell into step beside him, relieved to be taken off the spot.

“You seemed fine, if a little quiet, until Erica mentioned Izaya.” Kadota said, reasoning out the problem. “Blowing a gasket at that wouldn’t have been unusual, to tell the truth I half expected Simon to have to intervene when I couldn’t shut her up.” Kadota gave a friendly laugh and Shizuo almost smiled a little, that would have been typical of him.

“But your face went white as a sheet ad you walked out without saying a word.” Kadota paused but Shizuo didn’t say anything so he continued. “So clearly something’s bothering you, and it probably has something to do with Izaya.”

Shizuo shrugged sheepishly, “I fought with Izaya last night.” He said, almost hoping Kadota would leave it at that. No such luck.

“You fight with Izaya all the time.” Kadota said sharply “Something was different this time, otherwise you wouldn’t have reacted like that.”

Shizuo took a deep breath “I caught him this time.”

“You _what?!_ ” Kadota almost tripped in surprise but quickly regained his footing and caught up with Shizuo.

“I caught the fucking flea last night.” Shizuo repeated.

“And Izaya?” Kadota asked tentatively “Is he… did you...?”

“He’s fine.” Shizuo said exasperatedly “Or, he was when I left him.”

“Then… what did you do?” Kadota asked apprehensively.

Shizuo took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I kissed him” he managed to force the words out.

This time Kadota stopped dead in his tracks forcing Shizuo to turn around and walk a few steps back to him.

“You did _what_?” Kadota said finally.

“You heard me.” Shizuo muttered, unwilling to repeat the confession.

“No wonder you got out of there so fast.” Kadota muttered.

Shizuo snorted “Imagine what Erika would have done if she’d gotten ahold of _that_.” He didn’t know the girl very well but Kadota did and he paled a little at the thought.

Kadota resumed walking and returned the conversation to the matter at hand.

“So, what happened after that?” Kadota asked.

“Nothing, I put a dent in the wall and went home.” Shizuo replied, surprised at how calm he was.

“Do you still hate him?” Kadota asked, almost tentatively.

“Hell yes!” Shizuo responded immediately “I hate that little vermin’s guts and I want him dead.” He stopped talking as Izaya’s eyes flashed in his mind. The expression on his face when Shizuo had him pinned to the wall, the complete lack of fear. _‘You need me for that._ ’ “But I didn’t kill him. I had the chance and I didn’t kill him.”

Kadota remained silent and Shizuo was grateful he could continue uninterrupted.

“I kissed him instead and now the little louse hasn’t shown up all day and I can’t get him out of my head. His smell is everywhere, I have no idea what he’s planning and I just want to see him again and ask him what the hell was up with that whimper and why was it cute as fuck?” Shizuo took a deep breath in, feeling better for the rant.

“Whimper?” Kadota asked.

“Yeah, when I kissed him he made this noise. It wasn’t really a whimper but that’s the only word I can think of for it.” Shizuo sighed “Problem is, the flea is never scared of me. Not ever. So I don’t know what to make of this.”

Kadota was quiet for a while, then “You like chasing him, don’t you?”

“Yeah” Shizuo confirmed even though it hadn’t really been a question. “It’s almost like a stress release. Things are simple when I’m fighting Izaya. He’s the only person that exists and I have to catch him, and that’s all that matters. When I catch him I can kill him.”

Kadota looked at him strangely.

“What?” Shizuo said, giving him a sideways glare.

Kadota shrugged “Don’t hit me again but that almost sounds like you _are_  in love with him. Or at the very least obsessed.”

Shizuo noticed Kadota’s eyes widen slightly when he just sighed at that. “I guess I’ve always been obsessed with Izaya.” He said resignedly. “I just always thought I was obsessed with killing him.”

“Well you were.” Kadota said “But Shizuo… You’ve put a lot of people in the hospital but as far as I know you’ve never killed anyone. It’s not really in your nature.”

Shizuo nodded at this, watching his feet carry him over the pavement. Part of him wanted to protest that it was the flea and he deserved it, but his heart wasn’t really in it.

Kadota put his hand on Shizuo’s shoulder “You look exhausted. Why don’t you go home and get some rest? You can figure out what to do about Izaya tomorrow.”

Shizuo didn’t think going home would help. He could still remember the smell of Izaya in his apartment, but he nodded to put Kadota’s mind at ease and they parted ways. Kadota heading back to his friends and Shizuo heading in the direction of home.

_Do I really want to kill him?_

Shizuo tried to imagine a world without Izaya, it would be peaceful. There would be no taunting red eyes or thrilling chases through Ikebukuro.

_Why does that sound so boring?_

When he reached the crossroad to his apartment he ignored it and continued straight. It was the time of night when the raven usually showed up and Shizuo was going to catch him.


	4. To Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter for you. We're back to Izaya with this one, I hope you like it.

 

The morning after Shizu-chan kissed him Izaya woke with a start. He hated sleeping. He couldn’t control his dreams and that was dangerous. More often than not he dreamed of things he could never have.

He hated the sinking feeling he got when he woke from those dreams. This morning was particularly bad because his dreams had been based on the events of last night. Fueled by reality they had taken on a surprisingly impossible quality that Izaya didn’t want to acknowledge. He’d dreamt of Shizuo again.

He hit snooze on his alarm as he waited for the remainder of the dream to dissipate. By the time the alarm started beeping again Izaya was halfway through getting dressed and already laying out his plans for the day, but he couldn’t stop the last words from his dream ringing in his mind.

He had some work to do for Shiki this morning. Then he had a new client online that wanted some information dug up, that would take him into the afternoon. After that he was going to go see Shinra. Surely the beast was going to go see the doctor eventually and Izaya was going to put words into their mutual friend’s mouth.

Izaya shut off his alarm and finished dressing.

_‘Izaya…’_ No. That was a dream it had nothing to do with work. He wasn’t going to think about something that was never going to happen.

The work for Shiki was simple and shouldn’t have taken long, but it seemed to drag on forever.

_Who cares about some shitty lowlives messing around in Awakasu territory? I want to see my beast_.

That sounded petulant even in his head, but Izaya didn’t really care. Bored he made a few phone calls and twisted a few strings, gauging it so that he could bring everything to a head at just the right time. It wouldn’t do for Shizu-chan to catch him again just yet, better to let him stew for a bit.

The online client was equally boring. Some git wanted information on his daughter’s boyfriend. Izaya almost told the client he was an informant not a private investigator, but the boyfriend could prove useful so he held off his taunting comments this time.

Finally finished Izaya sat back in his chair and spun around a few times. He could finally go see Shinra, and while he was in Ikebukuro maybe he would stop to see his beast for a little while. After all, just because it wasn’t time for Shizu-chan to chase him yet didn’t mean Izaya couldn’t see him. He looked out of his window at the bustling street below and noted with a modicum of surprise that it was barely noon. Huh. He’d thought the mornings work had taken a lot longer. He waved away the threatening notion that he wanted to see Shizu-chan more than he thought, deciding that the mornings work had simply been excruciatingly boring.

Laughing to himself he grabbed his fur lined coat and headed over to Shinra’s.

 

He couldn’t help the bounce in his step and the giddy feeling as he entered Ikebukuro. It was his favorite city. He loved humans, he’d be the first to tell you that, but humans gathered in all sorts of places. The humans that gathered here however, were his favorite. Here there was also the beast who had a knack for sniffing him out, making it particularly hard for Izaya to observe unnoticed. The raven relished the challenge. He loved knowing that with one wrong move it could all be over. It wasn’t as good as being chased by Shizu-chan but it was still fun.

He made it to Shinra’s without incident but knew he had to keep it short lest Shizu-chan get into another fight and show up there too. Izaya lifted a hand to knock on the front door. He soon heard hurried footsteps and Shinra’s excitable voice coming from the other side of the door.

“Who is it? Did you forget something my darling Celty?”

Izaya smiled to himself, Shinra always thought it was Celty unless she was actually in the apartment with him. That was good though, it meant that Izaya could talk to the excitable doctor without the influence of Shizu-chan’s dulahan friend. Shinra could be almost too easy to influence if you knew which buttons to push.

“Oh Izaya, it’s you.” Shinra’s face fell just a little when he saw it wasn’t his beloved on the other side of the door.

“Yes, sorry I’m not your lady love.” Izaya said, spreading his arms wide to dance around Shinra and duck inside.

“What’s up?” Shinra said, ignoring the jibe and the fact that Izaya was now sprawled across the doctor’s couch as if it were his own.

This ability of Shinra’s to take Izaya completely in stride made him at once rather boring and the only person who could get along with the raven well enough for them to be considered friends. Izaya was grateful to have him, even if he would never admit it.

“You usually don’t stop by unless you need to be patched up from a fight with Shizuo.” Shinra commented

“How cruel, you almost sound suspicious.” Izaya said, pretending to pout. “Anyway, I did have a fight with Shizu-chan.”

“Because I am suspicious.” Shinra replied calmly, walking into the kitchen to prepare drinks. “And it doesn’t look like he got you this time. Coffee ok?”

“Coffee’s fine.” Izaya said. He got up and walked to Shinra’s window, so he could watch the people pass beneath him. He pulled out his phone to check the message boards while he waited for Shinra to finish making drinks. There wasn’t anything interesting going on but that was just as well, he’d rather focus on Shinra right now anyway.

“So, why’d you stop by?” Shinra asked, handing Izaya his coffee “You said you fought with Shizuo yesterday so you’re probably not just here to look for a fight.”

“I don’t come to Ikebukuro just to fight with Shizu-chan.” Izaya denied _not very often anyway_ he added to himself.

“Then..” Shinra prompted, tilting his head slightly to the side “why are you here?”

“I want to try an experiment.” Izaya cooed “And who better to help me with an experiment than my dear friend who happens to be an underground doctor.”

At his use of the word experiment Shinra’s eyes narrowed. “What are you trying to do to Shizuo?”

“Oh Shinra, you wound me.” Izaya said, his tone one of mocking banter. “Why do you think I want to do anything to that beast?” he used his best innocent expression to look in Shinra’s eyes.

“Because you showed up after a fight with Shizuo and want me to help without asking too many questions.” Shinra said, unimpressed with Izaya’s antics.

“Ah well it’s not like there would be any lasting damage.” Izaya dropped the ruse in favor of a more direct approach.

_‘Izaya I love you’_ Last night’s dream accosted him unexpectedly and words slipped out before he could stop them. “Besides the beast deserves it this time.” He tried not to clap his hand over his mouth after that last remark. Shinra was sure to notice that one and Izaya didn’t want to answer questions as to why he deserved it.

But Shinra just narrowed his eyes and gave Izaya a long hard look. Then he shook his head “Sorry no. You’re on your own this time.”

“Oh come on Shinra” Izaya chided “Don’t you want to know what’s going to happen to the beast?” He didn’t even try to hide the vicious grin that spread across his face as he thought about how angry this was going to make Shizu-chan.

“Not really.” Was Shinra’s dispassionate response. “Besides, Celty wouldn’t like it if I got involved.”

Izaya gave his best derisive snort. “You and that dulahan still amaze me. I never thought your strange feelings would be returned.” He pitched his voice to be dripping with condescension. Hiding the underlying jealousy he felt for the pair. They could straightforwardly tell the person they loved how they felt. Izaya knew that would never be possible for him.

Shinra ignored the jibe taking it instead as an invitation to go off on a tangent about Celty. Izaya listened to the first sentence before tuning out the words. He let the excited voice wash over him as he examined his friends happy face. Was this how you were supposed to act when you were in love? Izaya didn’t think he could ever be so innocently honest. He caught a particularly juicy phrase about Celty’s ‘sensuous body’ and suppressed a chuckle. Okay so maybe not innocent, but Izaya’s love always manifested in a much darker manner. It didn’t matter anyway.

_Because no one I love…_

Izaya bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, cutting off that train of thought. He’d come to terms with it years ago, there was no point dwelling on it now. Glancing out the window he saw a certain transporter returning from a job.

_Time to go_

He turned abruptly cutting Shinra off min tangent. “Well Shira I’ve gotta bounce.” His voice contained renewed vigor. He wasn’t happy to cut his visit short but now he could go see Shizu-chan. “Since you won’t help me I’ve got to go find someone who will.” That was a lie, all he really needed was for Shinra to tell Celty about his visit. Then Shizu-chan would hear from Celty that Izaya had been there talking about experiments and would stew all the faster.

“Don’t get him too angry.” Shinra cautioned “And I don’t want to deal with another bullet wound either.”

“It’s no fun if he’s not angry.” Izaya said, cheerfully bowing himself out of the doctor’s apartment.

 

Seeing Shizu-chan without being seen was a tricky business.

It wasn’t that finding him was hard. Izaya knew most of his favorite haunts and could always track him using the online message boards. But Shizu-chan didn’t need online message boards to find Izaya. The beast said it was scent, Izaya wasn’t sure if he believed him. There were so many different scents in the city this size, even a monster couldn’t pick out a certain one every time Izaya came near him. Izaya had thought up a few different methods to test him, but he hadn’t gotten the opportunity to try any of them yet. Whatever it was, when Shizu-chan came out of the fast food place the distracted look left his face and he looked around suspiciously. Izaya pulled back into the shadows of the building he was hiding on, knowing the beast wouldn’t see him no matter how he searched the crowd. The man was worse than a bloodhound, but only when looking for Izaya. It made him furious and giddy at the same time.

Shizu-chan moved on and Izaya followed, silently moving across rooftops watching the beast below him go about his daily life. When Shizu-chan went into a convenience store Izaya came down from his rooftop to follow. He kept a few isles away from the beast as the man was again looking around suspiciously but if Izaya was careful he could stay out of sight. He watched from a few isles away as the beast picked up a small box of hair dye and a small bottle of milk. Shizu-chan was looking around suspiciously making Izaya’s heartrate increase. Shrinking back behind a display he watched the beast approach the register and add a packet of cigarettes to his purchase.

Shizu-chan stopped in a park to sit and drink the milk. Izaya found a wall shielded by trees and made himself comfortable. He took his time to observe the beast’s behavior. Noting with amusement how he seemed more irritated the longer Izaya spent around him. Shizu-chan would periodically lift his head a little and take a deep breath in before grimacing. It was almost as if he really could smell Izaya when he was around. Izaya had to hold back a snicker watching Shizu-chan like this was just too much fun.

Shizu-chan finished the milk and left the park. He wandered around for about an hour. He kept looking around sharply, making Izaya shrink back to ensure he was hidden. The beast did not catch him no matter how hard he looked.

After a time he growled and made a sharp turn. The beast was walking purposefully now, clearly having a destination in mind. It didn’t take long for Izaya to figure out where he was going, and he decided this was a good time to put his experiment into action. Quickly he jumped into action before he could talk himself out of it. He sped back up to the rooftops, they were the quickest way to travel in this city if you knew how to use them. Izaya did. He easily beat Shizu-chan home and let himself in through the window. It wasn’t hard, although he’d never done it before. He had no desire to be caught in the beast’s lair, but this time was special, he wanted to test just how much of a bloodhound Shizu-chan was.

Once he was in Izaya happily danced around the apartment, exploring his surroundings. Shizu-chan’s apartment was small which didn’t surprise Izaya, the debt collector didn’t make much and part of that had to go to fixing things he’d broken. Izaya could see signs of the beast’s rage scattered around the apartment. A poorly patched hole in the wall between his bedroom and living room, a section of countertop in the kitchen that didn’t match the rest. The few chairs in the room didn’t match and one arm of the sofa had been repaired, it squeaked and moved when Izaya sat on it. Humming to himself he slipped out of his jacket and hung it on the door to the bedroom. Spinning on his toe he flopped down onto Shizu-chan’s couch and stripped off his shirt. Pulling out his knife he cut the neck and ripped the shirt in half, this would work better if there was more than one source.

He tucked the first half under the cushions of the couch, he didn’t think it would be discovered there for some time, if ever. Grinning to himself he looked for a good place to hide the other half. The bed was the obvious choice. Since that was where Shizu-chan spent most of his time in his apartment Izaya was afraid the scent would fade too fast there.

He must have looked for too long because he heard keys in the lock. One would have to be enough. Izaya headed for the window but glanced back as he heard the door opening and his eyes landed on the bedroom door.

_Crap._

He forgot his coat. Hearing Shizu-chan taking his shoes off Izaya silently dashed from the window, grabbed his coat and ducked into the bedroom. Hiding behind the door Izaya listened to Shizu-chan walk into his apartment. A squeaking sound and loud exhale indicated that the beast was sitting on the sofa. Izaya relaxed slightly he was safe for now. The sound of the television clicking on and a slight inhale from Shizu-chan told Izaya he was settling in, at least for a little while.

Taking a breath, the raven quietly moved around the small room. It was a sparsely decorated room used only for sleeping and to store clothes. To the right of the door there was a dresser pushed up against the wall. The bed was a Japanese futon on a solid wood base set against the far wall. On the wall to the right was a window and to the left was a closet. Izaya glanced down at the ripped half a shirt still in his hand and grinned. The smell might dissipate quickly but it should last for a few days at least if Shizu-chan was as much of a beast as he assumed.

Suppressing a laugh Izaya slipped the piece of torn cloth into Shizuo’s pillow case, underneath the pillow. Quietly he sat back on his heels and a strange thought crossed his mind. This was where Shizu-chan slept. He felt the smile fading and looked at the bed wistfully. He tilted his head to the side, he was going to be here a while anyway. Trying not to giggle Izaya flopped onto his bed and let his coat fall to cover his face and hide the goofy grin he could feel spreading across it. He closed his eyes and listened in silence to the sound of the television and the occasional rustle of Shizu-chan moving to tap his cigarette on the ash tray. Izaya could have stayed there forever, but eventually Shizu-chan switched off the television and got up from the sofa. Silently Izaya slipped off the bed and into his coat. Would Shizu-chan want to enter his bedroom now? He tensed as the beast began moving but the footsteps were heading towards the exterior door. Izaya held perfectly still as he listened to the door open then close behind Shizu-chan, he waited till he heard the keys turn in the lock and the faint sound of retreating footsteps.

Finally Izaya could crack open the bedroom door and peak out. He ran a few steps out to the center of the empty living room and spun in a triumphant circle. Laughing to himself he headed for the window. If he kept his coat zipped up and stuck to the rooftops no one would notice his missing shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... what do you think? I wanted to show how Izaya can't even go a day without seeing his Shizu-chan after what happened. I also thought it would be cute if Izaya tried testing Shizuo's sense of smell


	5. Everyone Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized that my chapters are getting longer and longer and this one is no exception but.. Here's an update for you.

Shizuo’s eyes drooped as he followed Tom up an old set of stairs to the next debtor’s apartment. He tried uselessly to suppress his yawn. He’d been out all night looking for Izaya without a whiff of the flea anywhere in Ikebukuro. Shizuo hadn’t left Ikebukuro while looking for Izaya, he was sure that, eventually, the flea would come to him. The problem was he hadn’t even gone back to his apartment before heading to work.

It had been a mistake.

Now he was exhausted, and they were only about halfway through the morning. Shizuo watched bored as the lowlife gave Tom some line about why he couldn’t pay. He was so tired he didn’t even try to pay attention. Instead he struggled uselessly to keep his thoughts from wandering back to Izaya. Where had he been? Shizuo hadn’t seen him since the kiss and it was starting to worry him.

By now the flea should have shown up with some infuriating taunt on his surprisingly soft lips. He should have led Shizuo around Ikebukuro before disappearing around a corner to be out of sight by the time Shizuo got there. So where was he?

When he and Tom stopped for lunch Izaya still hadn’t shown up and Shizuo had worked himself into a full blown rage three times that day, cracking more skulls than usual. He noticed the worried way Tom eyed him as they stopped at the fast food place. Shizuo almost wished they’d gone to Russian Sushi, Izaya liked that place and there was a minimal chance that they might run into him there. They were here instead though, and Shizuo knew what was coming next before Tom even opened his mouth.

“You ok Shizuo?” The dreadlocked man asked “You’ve been distracted and irritable all day.”

Shizuo chose to just watch the people passing by the window. He didn’t really want to talk about it with Tom until he’d figured out why he kissed Izaya. He just shook his head hoping that Tom would take the hint and drop the matter. He was grateful when the brunet nodded, dreadlocks bobbing back and forth.

“Alright.” Tom sighed “We’ve only got a few more stops and then you can go.”

Shizuo nodded in turn. “Thanks man.” He mumbled before taking another long drink from his milkshake.

He somehow managed to get through the rest of the day with only one (relatively) small outbreak. He’d stopped trying to distract himself from Izaya and just let his thoughts wander where they would. This meant that his thoughts were on Izaya most of the afternoon but for some reason it seemed to help. Maybe it was because he was no longer fighting a losing battle.

 

After work he headed to south Ikebukuro park, thinking to have a smoke there before heading home. He was definitely _not_ taking his time heading home in hopes that the flea would show up.

_Ok so maybe I am, but it’s only so I can kick Izaya’s ass._

When he got to the park he saw a familiar black figure leaning against a guardrail by her bike. When she saw Shizuo she perked up and started waving him over. He headed towards her without complaint. Maybe talking with Celty would make him feel better, it usually did. So, when he drew close he gave his usual casual greeting.

“What’s up Celty.” He was surprised at the tiredness in his own voice but ignored it, remembering that he’d spent all night looking for Izaya.

Thinking about the flea he squeezed the rail he had leaned against a little too tightly and felt it bend in his grip.

Celty tensed and he wasn’t sure but Shizuo thought she was studying him. It was hard to tell because she didn’t have a face, but spend enough time with Celty and she could be almost expressive.

She began typing on her PDA [Are you ok?] she asked [You don’t look so good, did Izaya do something to you?]

_That’s strange, why is she bringing up Izaya? Huh whatever._

“Not really.” He shrugged “I just don’t know where he is’s all.”

[Isn’t that a good thing?] Celty asked, then immediately withdrew her device and started typing again. [I mean you only know where he is when you’re fighting right?]

Shizuo shrugged “Probably” Then he sighed “It’s just, we had a big fight yesterday, and he usually comes to gloat afterwards, but I haven’t seen him yet.”

[You sound worried, do you think he might be planning something?]

“Maybe… I don’t know” he heard the exasperation in his own voice. “Maybe he’s just busy ruining someone else’s life. Or maybe I hit him harder than I thought and he’s lying in an alley somewhere.”

_Or maybe he’s afraid that I’ll kiss him again so he’s keeping his distance. Maybe one kiss did what years of yelling and fighting never could and he’ll stay out of Ikebukuro now._

“What the hell flea?” he said, slamming his hand into the railing and bending it further.

That last thought should have made him happy, but instead it gave him a sick sinking feeling in his stomach.

Celty stared at him, if she’d had a mouth it would have been agape. Then she started typing and showed her PDA to him with slightly shaking hands.

[You’re not worried about Izaya are you??]

“Huh?” Shizuo exclaimed “Me? Worried about the flea?” He couldn’t help it, he started laughing at the ridiculousness of the notion and Celty put her hands up in a calming motion. Trying to get him to act sane and make sense.

And Shizuo didn’t care.

_First I don’t want to kill him and now I’m worried about him?_

 “Oh this is bad Celty.” He said, shaking his head and trying desperately to control his laughter.

[I was probably wrong] Celty typed hastily, every line of her body indicating just how worried she was about the man still emitting little bursts of laughter in front of her. [You’re probably just worried that he’s planning something extravagant for you again] Shizuo could see the worry in those words.

“I don’t know.” He said, finally calming down.

[Why don’t you go home] Celty said once he’d caught his breath [you look exhausted and it will be easier to think after a good night’s sleep]

“Yeah all right.” Shizuo said, suddenly remembering that he hadn’t slept last night. He nodded adding to the confirmation “I’ll do that.”

[Stop by Shinra’s tomorrow.] Celty said [We can talk more then.] She was still worried.

Shizuo just nodded and turned to go, waving a casual farewell as he headed toward his apartment.

 

Shizuo didn’t think about Izaya while he was walking home. Instead he was thinking about his soft bed and how much he wanted to be in it. With no sharp red eyes or taunting lips to distract him from it. At least that’s what he assumed happened when he got to his door and realized he barely remembered walking there from the park.

Knowing it was a testament to how tired he was Shizuo entered his apartment and began emptying his pockets onto the coffee table. He’d just set his keys down when he froze and looked around his apartment. There was no sign of anyone else there. Everything was just as he’d left it except… Except he could have sworn that window had been open when he left, and there was the distinct smell of Izaya permeating the air. Shizuo grabbed his keys and walked out of his apartment closing the door behind him. Walking a few steps from the door he took a deep breath in. There was no trace of Izaya’s scent out here. Stomping back to his door he reentered his apartment. He breathed in. Heavy in the air was the unmistakable, bittersweet, infuriatingly intoxicating scent, of Izaya Orihara.

Fuming Shizuo threw open his bedroom door, expecting to see taunting red eyes laughing at him on the other side. There was no one there. He stormed out of the bedroom and opened the hall closet, he rifled through the few coats hanging for especially cold weather to make sure there was no one hiding in the very back. Nothing. He got on his hands and knees and checked under the couch. Nothing. He checked his bedroom again. Nothing. He checked his bedroom closet. In the bathroom. He even checked under the kitchen sink. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Maybe he was hallucinating. He’d spent so much time thinking about the flea that now Shizuo was smelling him in his home. He needed sleep. If he went to bed the smell would be gone when he woke up.

The last rays of the setting sun were still peeking through his window but Shizuo stripped down. Slipping into an old T-shirt and pair of sweats and got into bed. Sighing heavily, he pulled his covers up and closed his eyes.

A second later they snapped back open.

The smell was stronger here.

Growling Shizuo got up and searched around his bed. Nothing. He began looking under his pillows and through his blankets. Frantically searching for something, anything, that would explain why his bed smelled like Izaya.

After ten minutes of fruitless searching Shizuo gave up. He was exhausted and needed to sleep, if the smell was still there in the morning he could find the source then. He flopped back down on his bed and pulled the covers over himself again. He was asleep in minutes. Surrounded by the scent of Izaya, he dreamed.

 

_Shizuo was chasing Izaya again. Over rooftops and through alleyways that faded away into nothingness. The raven would turn every now and then to throw a taunt or an insult back to keep Shizuo following him. Shizuo knew Izaya was taunting him, even though he couldn’t hear the words or see the others lips moving. Whenever Izaya turned around all Shizuo could see were his eyes. Glinting red and daring Shizuo to follow._

_Shizuo did, reveling in the thrill of the chase. Denying his prey even a moment of rest. Izaya led and he followed. Followed him into a familiar alley where he cornered him._

_In the dream he didn’t hesitate. He grabbed the thin wrist, Izaya’s smell was stronger now that he’d caught him._

_“Got you flea.” He growled, want heavy in his voice._

_Knowing exactly what he wanted Shizuo slipped his arm around Izaya’s waist and pulled him in. The raven kissed him back when their lips met. When Izaya’s lips parted Shizuo’s tongue found its way through them. When Shizuo released Izaya’s wrist to put his hand on the raven’s back Izaya grabbed a handful of Shizuo’s hair and stood on tip toe to lean into the kiss. Shizuo moved to deepen the kiss…_

_Izaya whimpered._

_Shizuo pulled away immediately, looking at Izaya. The red eyes were filled with pain, betrayal and confusion._

_“Izaya I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” Shizuo desperately wanted to remove that look from Izaya’s face. To right whatever wrong he’d done. “I’m sorry.” He repeated, a feeling of uselessness settling sickeningly at the bottom of his stomach._

_The hurt and confusion remained on the raven’s face for a moment longer, before he stepped forwards and reached a hand toward Shizuo’s face. His expression was serious now and his scent overpowering._

_“I love you Shizu-chan.” He said and Shizuo could hear his voice now. Clear despite it’s quiet tone. It was as if he were trying to convey all his emotions through the simple touch on Shizuo’s cheek._

_“Izaya” The alley was gone, and they were now floating in softness._

_Shizuo should have found those words to be strange, coming from his worst enemy, but they seemed to him to be the most natural thing in the world. In this soft peaceful place devoid of violence, it was right. It was equally natural for Shizuo to wrap his arms around the raven and pull him close, breathing in his scent._

_“I love you too Izaya.” He murmured into the soft raven hair._

_Izaya smiled then, pulling back just enough to brush a lock of hair from Shizuo’s eyes._

_“Sleep well my beautiful beast.”_

_Izaya’s presence faded as Shizuo drifted into a deep peaceful sleep._

 

* * *

 

Two days after Shizu-chan kissed him Izaya threw himself into his work. Namie was here today so it was easier to pretend that his focus was on other people. It helped that there was a lot of work to do.

The group the Awakusu were looking into was causing trouble again. Izaya decided that this time he would get involved. It would only take a couple of days anyway and would serve as a distraction while he let Shizu-chan stew. People always underestimated how much work went into giving the right tweaks at the right time that allowed Izaya to turn events to his liking. True Izaya had a knack for it, but it took more than un-distilled talent to get the job done. Izaya kept himself busy all day, sending messages and receiving phone calls. Watching the forums and putting in a well-placed comment here and there to just the right person.

When Izaya looked away from his computer screen the sun was beginning to set. He stretched languidly and inevitably his mind wandered towards Shizu-chan.

 He remembered how he’d felt the first time they met. Watching the beast fight had been amazing. Beautiful and strong, his unrestrained rage driving him ever forward. Like he truly was a wild animal trapped in a cage that was far too small, constantly searching for an escape. Izaya wanted to set him free. He would never forget the thrill he got when he first found that rage directed at himself. Most people would have been disappointed to be that disliked on first meeting. Izaya had just wanted more. Almost as if he had been starving and Shizuo had offered him a single crust of bread. He had wanted to feel the full force of the beast’s rage. When that thought crossed his mind a smile came unbidden to Izaya’s face, because he had. Over and over he had felt it, he had used it to keep Shizu-chan’s attention focused on himself. He knew it was selfish, and even a bit childish but he didn’t care. He had Shizu-chan, in a manner of speaking.

It wasn’t enough though, not really. His need ate at him until there was nothing left but hunger. Izaya had tried before to get away from Shizu-chan, to maybe find someone else that could make him feel the way the monster could. It was impossible. There was no one other than Shizu-chan and Shizu-chan would always hate him.

_No one I love ever…_

He shook his head to pull himself out of the nostalgic melancholy that line of thought put him into. That kiss was really messing with his head. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He looked out the window at the sun drawing near the horizon. He hadn’t eaten dinner yet and he was in the mood for sushi. He grinned, afterwards he could go and see just how much of a bloodhound Shizu-chan really was.

 

Izaya climbed easily to the roof opposite Shizu-chan’s apartment. He wasn’t stalking. At least that’s what he told himself as he settled in. He was merely utilizing his people watching skills to enjoy what promised to be an entertaining show. He pulled out his binoculars and opened the box of fatty tuna he’d bought at Russia Sushi.

Laughing in glee and anticipation Izaya put the binoculars to his eyes and looked towards Shizu-chan’s windows. The apartment was dark, Izaya narrowed his eyes. Shizu-chan had left his curtains open and there was light from the street lamps so Izaya could see outlines and shapes. Enough to tell that there was no movement. He moved the binoculars so he was looking into Shizu-chan’s bedroom.

_Damn, I missed the show._ He thought, in annoyance.

Shizu-chan was lying on his bed, unmoving.

_My monster went to bed early._

Izaya sighed and turned to go, but he paused as an idea occurred to him. He glanced back to Shizu-chan’s window. The raven had come all the way here, it would be a shame to leave with nothing to show for it. He sat down on the roof again and started eating his sushi, keeping an eye on Shizu-chan to ensure the beast truly was sleeping.

It didn’t take long for Izaya to finish eating. Shizu-chan had twitched a couple of times but the raven was convinced he was asleep. Izaya easily climbed down from his perch, quickly making his way over to Shizu-chan’s apartment building. He climbed up to the ledge outside of the beast’s bedroom window. It had been left cracked open to allow the cool night air in. Now it would let Izaya in. Hooking his fingers under the frame he pulled up, careful not to let the window squeak against the frame. He raised the window just enough to let himself slip inside. Once he was all the way in Izaya slid himself up to crouch on the windowsill. One leg pulled up to his chest while the other supported his weight on the floor. Watching Shizu-chan sleep, he realized he’d never been this close to the beast without some form of violence. At first glance Shizu-chan looked more peaceful than the raven had ever seen him, and in fact he was. Upon prolonged inspection Izaya saw that even in sleep his shoulders were tense and his breathing was a uneven. He twitched and rolled away from the wall, facing Izaya. The raven froze. a slight growl escaped the beast and he settled back, still asleep.

Izaya let out the breath caught in his throat and pushed away from the window. He stepped delicately up to the bed, standing over Shizu-chan’s sleeping form. He studied Shizu-chan’s appearance. There was a deep furrow in his brow and his mouth was drawn down in a frown. He definitely wasn’t getting a good night’s sleep like this. Izaya briefly considered removing the piece of cloth he’d left under the beast’s mattress but dismissed the idea.

_The beast belongs to me_.

Instead he sat gently on the edge of the bed, Shizu-chan stirred slightly and Izaya smiled. Even with the furrowed brows and tense shoulders, Shizuo’s sleeping face looked incredibly cute.

“Shizu-chan” Izaya called, voice pitched carefully low so as not to wake the beast.

To the raven’s surprise the beasts breathing began to even out and the furrow in his brow relaxed just a little. Izaya stared for a moment, that had been quite the coincidence.

“Flea” Shizuo murmured in his sleep

Izaya barely stopped himself from scrambling back out the window. Shizu-chan’s breathing didn’t resume its uneven cadence and Izaya watched him for a while. Then, on impulse, he leaned in. Pressing his hand on the mattress near Shizu-chan, Izaya whispered into the beast’s ear.

“I love you Shizu-chan.” He had accepted his feelings a long time ago. It was time he told the other party, best to do so when he wouldn’t remember.

Shizu-chan reacted again, reaching out he covered Izaya’s hand with his own. Izaya couldn’t suppress a slight tremor that ran through his body as Shizu-chan’s breathing became deep and even and the furrow left his brow completely.

“Izaya”

The raven stared at him. Not daring to move, barely trusting himself to breath. The beast slept.

Finally Izaya stirred. Taking his free hand he gently brushed aside a lock of hair that had fallen into Shizu-chan’s closed eyes. He leaned down and laid his head on the bed so he was looking at Shizu-chan’s face. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get his heartrate under control. When he let the breath out Izaya opened his eyes and smiled at Shizu-chan’s peaceful expression.

“Sleep well my beautiful beast.” He murmured, then he slipped off the bed and made his way quietly to the window. He glanced back to see Shizu-chan just as he’d left him, sleeping peacefully, one hand still over the place Izaya’s had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I hope that the dream scene wasn't too sickeningly sweet but I like sweet and couldn't help it. Also I have to note that I did get the idea for that particular scene from one of Kanra-chan's stories but I think I used the mechanic in a completely different way than she does so Idk if that makes a difference to anyone... I don't know what I'm saying please don't hate me! Kanra-chan is amazing and I love caught in the middle! Aaaand nobody cares what I think. Anyway you'll see what Shizu-chan thought of the dream when he wakes up. Izaya has no idea what's going on there. If you wanted to know that is. I hope you liked it! let me know what you think.


	6. Dying Hope and Unfamiliar Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had more planned for this chapter but I didn't want it to get too long. I hope you guys like it.

The next morning Izaya had trouble focusing on work. He found his mind kept wandering back to the very vivid image of Shizu-chan’s sleeping face and the sound of the monster’s breathing evening out every time Izaya spoke. He began to wonder why. He began to hope that maybe…

_No._ He chided himself firmly.

_No one I love ever…_ He shook his head trying again dispelling the melancholy and anger that thought always brought.

_Just no._

He did not consider himself to be pitiable, it was just the way things were. It was better this way.

“What are you glaring at?” The harsh voice pulled Izaya out of his thoughts.

He was meeting with another new client this morning.

“Apologies Loreto-san.” Izaya said smoothly to the well-dressed foreigner across from him. “I was merely considering your offer.” He hadn’t been.

Izaya mentally kicked himself. He’d decided to take the job even before coming here but that was no excuse to be zoning out.

_Shizu-chan can wait till after work. Focus._

“Is there something you dislike about the job?” The man’s voice was cold and dark. Just like Loreto himself. He was a foreigner with dark hair and a sharp black suite. He was tall, even taller than Shizu-chan, and he moved with the air of confidence of someone who could handle himself.

“Not dislike per-se.” Izaya cooed, they were in a dark expensive club and Loreto was lounging casually. The outfit and location were clearly meant to show off his power.

 “While some people might find it” Izaya paused to search for the right word “distasteful, I don’t think there will be a problem.”

Izaya got the message, but he ignored it. He dealt with people like this to often to bother being cowed. While this man’s methods were more brutal than most it was simply because he lacked the finesse of some of Izaya’s other clients.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Loreto said in a dangerous sounding voice.

Izaya was getting bored.

“Now for the details…” The foreigner started.

“Just email them to me.” The raven said, standing up. “See ya”

This place was boring and predictable, Izaya wasn’t going to stick around any longer than he had to.

He climbed the stairs out of the club and blinked in the late morning sunlight. He still had to hand those kids over to Shiki. It wasn’t going to be hard. A couple of them were suspicious of him, but he could use that.

This new client though, he would be interesting. Even if his choice of venue was terrible. He was trying to set up a new smuggling operation in Ikebukuro. Loretto had come to Izaya in hopes of finding information, and dirt, on his potential competitors. What most people wouldn’t like was that he had asked Izaya to dig up info on his competitors’ family and friends. People unrelated to the business.

Still, Izaya didn’t judge. His humans were fun to watch no matter what they were doing. Besides, Izaya was sure the Awakusu would step in before the operation got too far along. Especially since Izaya really didn’t like the way Loreto had tried to intimidate him.

 

Izaya didn’t go back to his apartment for the rest of the day. Instead he spent his time in coffee shops watching the people pass by as he dug around on his cellphones. When he first sat down his mind immediately gravitated toward Shizu-chan.

_What the hell was that last night?_ He wondered for probably the hundredth time. _It was like he was responding to me._

He closed his eyes, briefly remembering the moment.

_When I said, ‘I love you’ he said my name._

The hope that had been building since last night finally blossomed into life. Izaya briefly savored the delicate taste of the feeling before killing it. Viciously and without remorse. Hope only ever brought disappointment and pain.

_It’s impossible._

When Shizu-chan kissed him a desire for more than their cat and mouse relationship had been made possible. He saw the opportunity to capitalize on the physical desires of his beast and he intended to make full use of that opportunity; but he would not delude himself.

_Shizu-chan will always hate me._

Hope only brought pain.

Flipping on his phone Izaya got back to work.

He got a few phone-calls over the course of the day. Most notably one from the shoplifting boys the Awakusu were after. The boys wanted a meet. Interesting, perhaps they could be useful for a little longer.

He took some time to work on gathering the information for Loreto. It wasn’t hard. Mostly just a matter of putting together the information he already had. Izaya went group by group typing up the information on them one by one.  He paused when he got to the Awakusu family, they had a little girl, Akane, Izaya had the feeling that Shizu-chan would like her. He typed up all the information he had on the family and saved the document on his phone. He didn’t have to wonder what Shizu-chan would say about it. Shizuo would always hate Izaya. Because unlike Izaya, his monster was a good person.

Early that evening he headed over to Ikebukuro with a scheming grin on his face. This would be the perfect catalyst for Shizu-chan.

 

* * *

 

Shizuo woke from his strange dream feeling rested and warm. It occurred to him that he should have felt disgusted, or at least uncomfortable.

_I mean come on, it was the flea! What was that?_

At first, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Everything had just felt so… right. He lay in bed for a few moments savoring the peaceful remnants of the dream. All too soon his eyes snapped open as he remembered the specifics of his dream that didn’t seem to be fading.

_Izaya said he loved me… and I… I said I loved him too._ He slowly sat up as a realization dawned on him. _And I meant it. What the hell!? Even if it was a dream… I said I loved the_ flea _!_

Shizuo flopped back down on his bed. He’d finally got a good night’s sleep and he was still thinking about Izaya.

The peace of the dream was fading now but the memory was still there. Shizuo couldn’t delude himself into thinking it felt wrong.

_Why the hell did it all feel so right?_ He fumed to himself. _What the hell is going on?_

He was confused and agitated, but somehow it wasn’t the rage that usually consumed him when he thought of Izaya. Maybe it was because of the smell. Or maybe the dream still had more of a hold on him than he thought. Whatever the reason, the thought of Izaya was not pissing him off right now.

His alarm clock went off and he glanced at it groaning. Shizuo hated mornings. Grumbling he pulled himself out of bed. Limbs dragging, he began getting ready for work. He started coffee then went to shower and brush his teeth. He hung his towel over his shoulders slowly pulling on his slacks and slipped his arms into the sleeves of his dress shirt. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee, loading it with milk and sugar he took a tentative sip. He grimaced, it was still bitter. After pouring a little more milk he left it, at least it was bearable. Quickly he downed the hot liquid and poured himself a second cup, loading it with milk and sugar like before. Taking the second cup, he headed back to his bedroom tucking his shirt in and doing up the buttons he slipped on his vest. He ran his fingers through his hair and slipped his sunglasses into his breast pocket.

Wandering back into the kitchen as he finished his second cup of coffee Shizuo buttoned the sleeves of his dress shirt and grabbed a pastry from the fridge. Holding his breakfast in his mouth he slipped his shoes on and headed out the door.

 

Work went by fast. Shizuo was only needed for a few stops in the morning then Tom told him he could go home. Nodding his thanks Shizuo waved over his shoulder as he walked away. Sometime during the morning he’d decided that the only way he was going to figure this out was if he saw Izaya again. So that’s what he was going to do.

Shizuo knew he wasn’t a genius like Shinra or the flea, he wasn’t even smart like Celty, but he wasn’t stupid either. Sometimes it took him a while to come to a conclusion, but he always recognized one when he reached it. After that he always decided what to do about it quickly. No point agonizing when you could just do something about it. So, he started walking toward Shinjuku. He hadn’t smelled the flea since he left his apartment and he didn’t know where else to look for him.

He had barely gotten a few blocks before his cellphone rang. Grumbling he pulled the piece of technology out of his pocket, looking to see who was bothering him. He was busy and didn’t have time for other people’s bullshit.

_Oh, it’s Celty._

[Tom said you got off work early?]

[Yeah] Shizuo responded [did you need something?]

[I was hoping you could come over to Shinra’s,] she told him [he has something to talk to you about]

[Does it have to be now?] He didn’t want to put this off.

[It has to do with Izaya.]

Shizuo stared at the screen. What could Shinra have to tell him about Izaya? Did he know about the kiss? Did he know about Shizuo’s plans?

_No that’s impossible._

Shizuo had just decided on his plans this morning, and the only way Shinra could know about the kiss was if Izaya or Kadota had told him and Shizuo doubted either of them had talked to Shinra lately.

[On my way] he texted Celty, changing directions.

It was best to figure these out before finding Izaya, but why was Celty the one telling him Shinra wanted to talk? Shinra had his number he could easily tell Shizuo himself.


	7. What is Love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the latest chapter, I hope you like it!

Shizuo knocked impatiently on Shinra’s door. He just wanted to find out what this was about and get out of here, so he could find Izaya.

Shinra quickly opened the door and jumped when he saw Shizuo.

“Ah, Shizuo” He said. Trying, and failing, to sound casual. “What are you doing here?”

So that’s why it had been Celty asking him to come over.

“Celty asked me to come over” he explained pushing past Shinra into the apartment. “Said you wanted to talk about Izaya?”

“Oh…” Shinra followed Shizuo into the apartment “She did?”

Shizuo relaxed onto the couch as Shinra went to the kitchen to make drinks.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Shizuo asked as Shinra came back to the living room with drinks.

“Well uh… I guess Celty was talking about Izaya’s visit the other day.” Shinra said, scratching his head nervously.

Shizuo glanced around the apartment “Where is she anyway?”

Shinra sighed in relief. The blond could react… unpredictably… to the raven’s name.

“Celty just left for a job, she should be back in a couple of hours.”  He said, Shizuo nodded.

“So, what did Izaya want?” Shizuo asked, getting back to the point.

“I don’t really know.” Shinra said, Shizuo could hear the blatantly careful tones in his voice. “He came here around lunch time the day before yesterday, asking for help with and experiment involving you. I turned him down, didn’t think much of it, but when Celty heard she insisted you should be told.”

Experiment? Shizuo’s mind immediately went to the kiss. Anger and confusion burned in his stomach. Had the _flea_ manipulated him into…?

_No… Izaya freaking whimpered. There is no way he’d manipulated that._

Shizuo glanced at Shinra.

“He came, the day before yesterday?” he asked.

Shinra nodded.

_That was the day_ after _the kiss_.

“And you turned him down?”

Another nod. Shizuo burst out laughing.

That was great. Izaya hadn’t manipulated the kiss. He planned to use it for who knows what, but he hadn’t manipulated it. Good. Years of dealing with the flea and a touch of instinct made Shizuo stop and think. Was Izaya just trying to freak him out by coming to Shinra? The path of information seemed rather predictable, and Shizuo had learned to trust his instincts. Especially when it came to Izaya.

Shinra was staring at him in a mixture of worry and fear.

“Are you ok Shizuo?” He asked when the laughter didn’t recede.

“Hahaha, yeah, fine.” Shizuo gasped, trying to calm down. This seemed to be happening a lot lately.

Shinra just watched him skeptically. Shizuo finally managed to gain a modicum of control.

“I don’t think the flea is planning anything. Well, he is but all he needed you for was to make me worry about it.” Shizuo explained. “As if I wasn’t thinking about him enough already. Even though the bastard hasn’t shown his face since our last fight.” He added under his breath.

For some reason Shizuo couldn’t stop chuckling to himself, but managed to keep from bursting out laughing again.

Shinra blinked at him. “So you’re saying Izaya used Celty and me to get to you. But it didn’t work because you were already thinking about him?”

Shizuo nodded.

“You’ve been thinking about Izaya all day?”

Shizuo nodded again.

“It doesn’t look like you’ve been in any fights, am I wrong?”

Shizuo shook his head, he’d been relatively calm since this morning.

“But you’ve been thinking about _that_ Izaya?”

Shizuo nodded impatiently, he didn’t want to think where Shinra was taking this.

“What did you do?” Shinra demanded incredulously.

“Huh?” Was all Shizuo could manage before Shinra continued.

“Cause, I mean, if Izaya had done something you’d probably be furious about it, and Izaya wouldn’t have come to me trying to rile you up ‘cause he would have already succeeded.”

Shinra’s words were stumbling over themselves to get out of his head, and he looked like he wasn’t going to stop until he figured this out. Shizuo just kept his mouth shut and let the brunet continue.

“So what did you do? You obviously didn’t kill Orihara, there was barely a scratch on him when he came to see me. That also rules out causing lasting injury. What? Did you kiss him or something? That can’t be…”

Shinra trialed off, obviously noting the heat rising in Shizuo’s cheeks. He’d hit the nail on the head.

His eyes nearly popped out of his head and his mouth opened wide “You _kissed_ Izaya!?” He shrieked.

Feeling his cheeks grow hotter still Shizuo looked away. Not wanting to confirm, but unable to deny, that Shinra’s guess was spot on.

“Oh my god why? How? _What?_ ” Shinra spluttered. Getting ahold of himself, he stopped gaping and clapped his hands together. “This is great!” He said laughing happily. “No wonder Izaya was over here, he’s going to want to get the situation under his control.” He glanced at Shizuo who was still looking away. “For that matter how do you feel about it?” Shinra asked in a quieter tone.

Shizuo shrugged “He left me alone for three days. So I guess I’ve had some time to think about it, and well… I’m pretty sure I don’t hate him.”

Shinra gave him a calculating look, but didn’t say anything.

“Actually” Shizuo said after a pause “I don’t think he left me alone.”

“What do you mean?” Shinra prompted when Shizuo paused again to think.

“Nah” he said finally “It’s probably nothing.”

“What is it?” Shinra pressed.

“Well…” Shizuo said slowly “I’m not sure but I think he was following me around after he talked to you.”

“What makes you say that?” Shinra asked.

“I could smell him.” Shizuo realized how ridiculous it sounded as soon as he’d said it and his cheeks flushed again.

But Shinra didn’t laugh he just tilted his head and studied Shizuo’s face. “Actually, that makes sense.” He said finally.

“Huh?” Shizuo uttered in surprise.

“Well you always say you can smell him when he’s around, and he was probably curious as to how you were doing after kissing him sooo” Shinra trailed off under Shizuo’s incredulous stare.

“It makes sense” the doctor stated defensively “Anyway I wanted to know how _you_ feel about the kiss. Not speculate how Izaya feels about it.”

Shizuo shrugged uncomfortably again. “Like I said, I didn’t hate it.” He said noncommittally “I was about to go find Izaya to figure out just how much I don’t hate him.”

“What does that mean?” Shinra pressed when he didn’t continue. “Do you like him?”

Shizuo stared at the ground so Shinra continued “Do you think you could get along with him?”

When Shizuo didn’t respond he heard Shinra gulp audibly.

“Shizuo,” he said slowly and carefully “Do you… do you love Izaya?”

Shizuo glanced at Shinra and the brunet caught his breath.

“I don’t know if it can be called love.” Shizuo admitted “I want to see him, I want to watch him smile, I… I want to kiss him again.”

“That sounds like…” Shinra started

“There’s more.” Shizuo stopped him “I want to fight him too, I want to chase him blindly through the streets, I want to hear his insufferable taunts, I want to…” His voice had been rising with emotion. He cut off as he took a breath, quietly finishing his thought. “I want to fight him… so how could that be love?”

Shinra waited a moment. “I think, that’s just how the two of you communicate.” He said when it was clear Shizuo wasn’t going to say more.

Shizuo blinked “What?”

“Well, whenever Izaya wants to see you he comes and picks a fight, and you give him one. It’s kinda like flirting.” Shinra explained.

“What the hell kinda flirting is that?” Shizuo was annoyed, because part of him wanted to think Shinra was right. “I hate violence how could that be flirting?”

“Do you like fighting Izaya?” Shinra asked.

For a moment Shizuo didn’t respond. He knew the answer.

  _I do._

“I hate violence.” He repeated. “So why do I like fighting the flea?”

They sat in silence for a moment. Shinra tilted his head, studying Shizuo.

“Maybe that’s why you told yourself you hated Izaya for so long.” He ventured.

Shizuo glared at him “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well you hate violence, but he makes you enjoy fighting.” Shinra explained, ignoring the glare. “That put you at odds with yourself in a way that you couldn’t accept.” Shinra got up and walked a few steps from Shizuo. “But the first time you actually got your hands on him you started making out. I told you it was flirting.”

“Shut up.” Shizuo snapped the underground doctor was too far away for anything else. “We weren’t making out. Izaya didn’t even kiss me back.”

“Oh?” Shinra perked up and moved back towards Shizuo at the prospect of details.

“No, he just sort of… whimpered.” Shizuo admitted.

“Whimpered?” Shinra inquired.

“Yeah, and then he just stood there all frozen.” Shizuo stared at nothing, remembering “I was about to punch him in the face and he just stood there.” _With that stupid look on his face, just, staring at me._

“Did you hit him?” Shinra asked.

Shizuo shook his head “It probably would have killed him. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him.”

“Well that proves it then.” Shinra said cheerfully “You want to fight him, but you don’t want to hurt him.” He grinned at Shizuo “You’re in love.”

Shizuo shifted uncomfortably but didn’t deny it. Standing up he paused as a thought suddenly occurred to him and he glanced at Shinra.

“Why do you care anyway?” he asked “This has nothing to do with Celty or your weird science stuff. So why do you care?”

“Oh no reason.” Shinra said idly, but continued quickly when Shizuo narrowed his eyes “I just thought it would be fun to watch the two of you flounder through your feelings.”

“That’s not it.” Shizuo said dangerously, it was possible and probably true but this was Shinra, there was more to it.

Shinra looked at him nervously for a moment then finally cracked under Shizuo’s intense glare.

“Alright alright” he said raising his hands and backing away. “I just think you and Izaya never hated each other as much as you said.”

Shizuo took a threatening step forward, truth again but still not all of it. Shinra stepped back against the wall but didn’t say anything. Shizuo took one more step forward and raised a hand menacingly.

“I think you would make a good couple _please don’t hit me_!” Shinra shrieked, shrinking against the wall in terror.

Shizuo nodded satisfied. That had the ring of truth to it. He turned on his heal and left the apartment, leaving Shinra to slump against the wall in relief.

It was time to find Izaya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo yeah, I always love it when Shinra ships Shizaya so he had to ship them here too =P to be clear, Shizuo never really intended to hit Shinra but the doctor doesn't need to know that. Hope you liked it and let me know what you think =D


	8. Traps and Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everybody. Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it!

The setting sun was clinging angrily to its last vestiges of life and shining a harsh light into the eyes of anyone who dared look its way. Izaya skipped through the streets of Ikebukuro, keeping an eye out for Shizu-chan so he wouldn’t run in to the monster. He quickly arrived at the agreed upon meeting place to find the three boys waiting for him.

“Hello boys.” He said cheerfully strolling up to them as he fingered his flick blade in his pocket.

The three looked up at him glaring. They were in an alley near sunshine 60. The adjoining street wasn’t busy, but it would only take a short time to get to the square if one of them decided to run.

“Izaya.” The boy in the front said, his voice confrontational.

“That’s me.” The raven said lightly as he entered the alley and allowed the boys to surround him. This should be interesting.

“You sold us out.” The lead boy said when they had Izaya backed up against an alley wall.

He gestured to the other two and they grabbed his shoulders and pinned him against the rough brick. It reminded Izaya of the last time he’d been pinned to a wall a few days ago. He allowed himself to smile a little, Shizu-chan would be just about ready to burst by now.

“What the hell are you grinning at?” The boy yelled, Kenta was his name but Izaya didn’t plan to use it again. “You sold us out and now we’re going to make you pay!”

With that he punched Izaya in the stomach. The raven let the blow fall, only tensing a little to lessen the impact. He didn’t even need to do that; compared to a punch from Shizu-chan, or even Dotachin, this was nothing.

“Oh, I’m sure you’re going to try.” Izaya said condescendingly. “But when exactly do you plan to do that?”

Kenta let out a growl and hit again, this time aiming for Izaya’s face. Izaya moved his head slightly to the side and let Kenta’s fist hit the wall behind him.

“I’m going to have to ask you not to hit my face.” Izaya said casually “I’ve got a date later and I’d hate to show up with a bruise.”

“Who’d go on a date with you?” Kenta asked trying to hit his face with the other fist.

“Well they don’t really want to.” Izaya admitted a he moved his head again to let Kenta scrape up his other hand “But I can assure you that they’re much better looking than you, so I have to look my best too.”

Kenta grimaced and held his hands for a minute.

“Then I’ll just have to make sure that you look so ugly that they run screaming.” He hit Izaya in the stomach again this time, Izaya hoped he didn’t get blood on his shirt.

Izaya doubled over just so that he could grin up at Kenta. “Well we can’t have that, now can we?”

He wrenched his hands up backhanding the two boys holding him in the face. Then he danced.

He lunged forward pushing Kenta into the opposite wall then spun in a sweeping circle to pull his knife on the two that had held him. Keeping low he darted forward and swept his knife down at the waist of the boy on the left. The boy squeaked in surprise and tried to step back but his pants fell around his ankles, tripping him so he fell back against the wall and slipped to the ground in terror. Izaya was already moving on to the boy on the right who was frozen on the spot. A few well-placed cuts with the knife and pieces of the boy’s shirt fell to the ground.

Izaya stepped back to offer the two boys a sweeping bow at the end of his performance. They stared at him for a moment then scrambled over each other to run out of the alley.

The raven watched them go with a grin before turning back to Kenta.

“Now what was it you were saying?” He inquired.

Kenta was sitting on the ground pushed up against the wall, as close as he could get. Terror written all over his face.

“I ‘sold you out’ I think it was.” He tapped the now closed blade against his cheek. “Well yes I suppose I did, but I just thought of a better use for you.”

“A b-better use?” Kenta’s eyes were wide, and his feet were scrabbling against the ground almost enough to push himself up the brick behind him. How wonderfully predictable.

Izaya crouched in front of him “Yes a better use.” He said, his voice dangerously kind. “I want you to send a message for me.”

“A-a message for wh-who?” Kenta stuttered out.

“Why I need you to take a message to Shizu-chan.” Izaya said cheerfully.

“Shizu-chan?” Izaya sighed at the boy’s confusion. The nickname fit the man perfectly really.

“Shizuo Heiwajima, yes.” Izaya clarified.

“ _Shizuo Heiwajima?!_ ” Kenta cried trying to scrabble even farther back his eyes widening to saucers.

“Yes, I need you to take a message to him.” Izaya said exasperated. Before he could say more a voice from behind interrupted him.

“Why not deliver the message yourself?”

Izaya froze. He knew that voice.

Well that was unexpected. He whipped around brandishing his knife to ward off the blond he expected to be a few feet away. His knife stopped halfway around, his wrist held in an overly strong hand. Shizuo was standing right behind him.

“Well Shizu-chan,” Izaya purred, “I wasn’t expecting to see you quite so soon.”

“No.” Shizuo gave him the grin that preceded all their best fights. “Apparently you thought it would take another push of whatever you were going to have him tell me to get me to come looking for you.”

“Apparently I was wrong.” Izaya used his irritation to hide the slight hitch of happiness that Shizu-chan came looking for him early.

“Heh.” Shizu-chan chuckled at the idea of Izaya admitting he was wrong. “Come on.” He said turning on his heel and walking away “We need to talk.” He didn’t release his hand from Izaya’s wrist.

 “Where are you taking me Shizu-chan?” Izaya cooed. It was pointless to try and get out of the monster’s grasp. “Back to your lair?  Going to finish what you started?”

“No” Shizuo said, finally releasing Izaya as they entered the main streets. “I’m hungry. We’re going to Russia Sushi.”

“You’re hungry?” Izaya snorted as he fell into step beside Shizuo. He briefly considered pulling his knife and starting one of their usual fights, but his curiosity got the better of him. The beast actually wanted to talk? Calmly? Over food?

“Yeah,” Shizuo said matter-of-factly, he glanced down at Izaya. “I spent most of the day looking for you, I haven’t eaten anything.”

“Shizu-chan must have been desperate to find me if he didn’t eat anything first.” Izaya said in his most condescending tone as he linked his hands behind his back and skipped beside the beast.

He was waiting for something he said or did to set Shizuo off. What could Shizu-chan want to talk about that would keep him so calm?

“You do the same, don’t you?” Shizu-chan stated suddenly.

“Huh?”  Izaya wasn’t sure what he meant.

“You come and find me all the time.” Shizuo clarified. “Just to taunt me into chasing you.”

Izaya snorted. “Even if that was true” It was only most of the time “I certainly wouldn’t go looking for you on an empty stomach” _very often_. He added to himself, he sure as hell wasn’t admitting that to Shizu-chan though.

“Whatever, we’re here.” Shizuo said, opening the door and letting Izaya enter first.

“Izaya” Simon said happily as the raven entered the restaurant. “Good to see you,” then his eyes traveled behind Izaya and his expression turned almost apprehensive, “and Shizuo, you come together?”

“Hey Simon.” Izaya replied “Yeah, we’re together. Shizu-chan wanted to _talk._ ”

“Come in! Eat sushi!” Simon said after a pause, opening his arms wide and gesturing them to a booth. “You no make angry face when you eat sushi.”

Izaya sat across from Shizuo as he ordered his meal. It was time to find out what the beast wanted.

 

* * *

 

Taichi ran. Later he might feel bad about leaving the others, but that Orihara guy was crazy with a knife. Taichi had to save his own skin. He glanced over his shoulder to see Yuuta following him. Trying desperately to hold his pants up. His ruined belt flapping awkwardly as he ran. Taichi’s shirt probably looked worse.

He should have been looking where he was going though. He ran into a wall, rebounding he fell backwards. Then he realized that had been too warm for a wall. He looked up to see a blond man in a bartender uniform reaching down to grab the front of his shirt. Shizuo Heiwajima, even Taichi knew who that was, lifted him up till their faces were inches apart.

“Where’s Izaya?” He demanded

 

* * *

 

Shizuo was about to temporarily give up looking for Izaya in favor of food. He still didn’t know how he felt about the flea. Shinra said it was love. Shizuo was inclined to agree with him, but he still wasn’t sure. He just knew he had to see Izaya.

 Then a kid ran into him. He looked down at the boy on the ground, about to tell him to watch where he was going. When he noticed the character human cut into his shirt as if someone had put it there with a knife.  The terrified expression on the boy’s face told Shizuo all he needed to know. There was only one person who would do this. Reaching down he brought the boy to eye level.

“Where’s Izaya?” He asked, struggling to keep his voice calm as possible.

The boy looked terrified and raised a trembling hand to point behind him.

“I-in an alley th-th-that way.” The boy managed to stutter out.

Patience wearing thin Shizuo dropped the boy before he could get any angrier. “Thanks” he remembered to say as he stepped over the boy and headed in the direction indicated.

He started looking into alleys and was getting annoyed. He finally looked into one and saw Izaya crouching over another boy on the ground.

“A-a message for wh-who?” the terrified boy was saying.

“Why I need you to take a message to Shizu-chan.” Shizuo started at his own name.

“Shizu-chan?” He silently moved closer.

“Shizuo Heiwajima, yes.” It was odd to hear Izaya use his full name.

“ _Shizuo Heiwajima?!_ ” Shizuo was only a few feet away now.

“Yes, I need you to take a message to him” Shizuo didn’t feel like keeping quiet any more.

“Why not deliver the message yourself?” Izaya paused for a moment giving Shizuo enough time to step closer before Izaya spun with a knife. That made it almost easy to grab the raven’s wrist and stop his momentum Then he remembered how hungry he was.

“Well Shizu-chan.” Izaya started, Shizuo grinned at the sight of the raven’s face. He was suddenly certain of what he felt for the flea. The realization hit him so hard he almost didn’t hear what Izaya was saying.

 

Shizuo managed to keep his temper down, barely, as they walked to Russia Sushi. It helped that he really did want to talk with Izaya. His earlier revelation helped too, but the flea could be so damned annoying when he wanted. Shizuo let out a sigh of relief when he sat down across from Izaya and gave Simon his order. With the big Russian here they should be able to avoid a fight, at least long enough for Shizuo to say what he needed.

But then he realized that he had no idea what he was going to say.

_Well I can’t very well just blurt it out. I don’t think that would be quite enough._ Shizuo sighed _He’ll probably think I’m crazy no matter what I say._

“Shizu-chan” Izaya’s mocking voice pulled Shizuo roughly from his thoughts “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Ah” Shizuo and Izaya both sat back as Simon brought their food.

“Talking good” Simon said as he set the food down in front of them “You talk better on full stomach.”

“Thanks Simon” Shizuo mumbled.

“Thank you, Simon” Izaya purred.

They both watched him until the large Russian reluctantly backed away. When he was out of earshot Shizuo returned his gaze to Izaya to find red eyes watching him.

“We kissed.” Shizuo said, trying unsuccessfully to keep the growl out of his voice. “Three days ago, we kissed.”

“Very astute observation Shizu-chan” Izaya said like he was praising a slow child who had finally gotten the answer. “To be clear though, you kissed me, I never kissed back.”

“No, you just whimpered.” Shizuo retorted “What was that about?”

He was rewarded by Izaya’s cheeks turning a faint shade of pink. That was interesting, and if he was honest, kinda cute.

“That was nothing.” Izaya snapped “Now what do you want?”

Shizuo’s heartrate increased at the unsettled response. Izaya wasn’t using the situation yet. He might have a chance, for what he still wasn’t sure. He had no idea where this path was taking them.

“You left me alone for three days and that gave me time to think.” Shizuo explained. Remembering the food in front of him he slipped a piece of sushi into his mouth, he really was starving.

Izaya just folded his arms across his chest and leaned back, waiting.

“Turns out I don’t hate you.” Shizuo continued once he’d finished his morsel.

Izaya quirked an eyebrow but didn’t respond, red eyes studied him.

Shizuo looked down at his hands. For a moment unable to meet those challenging eyes.

“I’ve always hated my body’s refusal to listen to me,” he mused, counting on Izaya’s newfound silence to last a little longer, “but this time I think it was right.”

He looked into those red, challenging eyes and let the words spill out.

“I love you, Izaya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes Shizuo said it. Aaand I ended it there I'm sorry!! You can look forward to what Izaya's reaction is going to be next week! Oh and if it was unclear Izaya's date is with Shizu-chan, even if Shizu-chan doesn't know it's a date ;) Let me know what you think, I love to hear from you!


	9. What Took You So Long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done editing!! I had this chapter written and then realized it was terrible and had to go back through and fix it. So here it is! I hope you like it as much as I do.

 

“I love you, Izaya.”

Shizuo wasn’t sure what he’d expected from Izaya when he told the flea how he felt. Laughter probably, maybe a scathingly mocking comment, maybe Izaya would pull a knife or simply walk out in disgust. Whatever he’d expected, Izaya panicking wasn’t on the list.

The raven’s eyes went wide as he pulled even further away from Shizuo. His hands flew to the table, pushing against it as if it would help him escape.

“No!” He hissed viciously. It was the first time Shizuo had heard fear in his voice. “No that’s impossible.”

Shizuo hadn’t expected this conversation to go particularly well, but he was surprised at how much Izaya’s panic hurt. His chest squeezed painfully as the raven’s eyes darted around the room, searching for a way out.

“That’s completely impossible.” Izaya’s words didn’t stop, his voice raising in volume and desperation, his eyes darting faster and faster. “No! No, you  _do not_  love me!”

Shizuo let out a growl. Izaya’s knuckles were white on the table and his shoulders were trembling slightly.

_This wasn’t what I wanted._

“Izaya!” Shizuo started trying to make him stop.

It only served to make Izaya look at him. Leaning across the table Izaya locked Shizuo’s eyes with his own.

“You cannot love me Shizuo.” He hissed, low and dangerous. “Because no one I love  _ever_ loves me back.”

Shizuo stared at him stunned. Izaya had used his full name, more importantly.

_He said…_

Izaya seemed to have regained a little of his composure and didn’t wait for Shizuo to say more. Standing he pulled out his wallet.

“Don’t think this means things will change.” He said, tossing a couple of bills on the table.

Izaya walked around the table and grabbed Shizuo’s shirt in both hands. Unsure what was happening Shizuo let himself be dragged forward till their faces were inches apart Izaya glared into Shizuo’s eyes his next words were laden with anger and emotion.

“I will never let you forget me.”

Shizuo was mesmerized by his rusty red eye. Even so he wasn’t blind to the fear and doubt hiding behind the anger in the raven’s eyes.

_What is he afraid of?_   _He said… ‘no one I love’ that sounds like…_

Izaya held Shizuo’s gaze for a moment longer then turned abruptly from the table and swept out of the restaurant. Leaving Shizuo to stare after him.

_If I let him escape now nothing will change. Everything will stay as it has for years._

The thought terrified him into action.

He let the instincts he’d relied on so often to drive him to chase after the flea.

Izaya wasn’t getting away that easily.

 

* * *

 

Izaya left Russia Sushi and leapt onto the lamppost just outside. Grabbing hold, he let his body weight swing him around to face back towards the restaurant. He waited for Shizu-chan.

_What the hell?_  His heart was racing, and he couldn’t form any more coherent thoughts.  _What the hell? What the hell? WHAT THE HELL??_

He still couldn’t give up the chase.

“I-za-ya-kun” Shizu-chan was almost singing his name in that deep growling voice, making the raven’s heart try to jump out of his throat.

_‘I love you Izaya’_

But that was impossible.

“If you think I’ll ever let you stop chasing me you’re, wrong Shizu-chan.” Izaya called, in the lightest tone he could muster.

Thankfully his voice didn’t crack. So many emotions were running through his body it was making him giddy. Not least among them, fear. He wasn’t going to lose Shizu-chan. Not like this. He would not let his beast abandon him on some stupid pretense.

“Good.” The beast growled as he continued forward.

“Good?” Izaya didn’t even try to keep the incredulity out of his voice as the blond stopped a few feet in front of him “ _Good?_  Shizu-chan you  _hate_ me! You hate chasing me, you hate everything  _about_ me!”

“Nah” once again Shizuo’s response left Izaya reeling. “I hate violence. So, I tried to hate chasing you. I would get pissed because I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t hate it.” He gave a nonchalant shrug. “Until now that is.”

Izaya glared, what the hell was his beast thinking? He was supposed to get angry and throw things. What the hell was he doing talking?

People were beginning to stare at the odd scene. Izaya didn’t need any odd rumors starting, and talking wasn’t what he wanted to do right now anyway. The beast wasn’t going to do what he was supposed to? Fine, Izaya would  _make_  him.

“You like chasing me so much?” Izaya taunted “Come and get me.”

With that the raven sprang away from the lamppost, the beast hot on his heels. He heard the telltale groaning of metal and the shattering of concrete that meant Shizu-chan had pulled up the lamppost.

_What the hell am I doing? What the hell is he saying? This can’t be happening!_

Izaya’s thoughts were confused. They distracted him, and he wasn’t fighting properly. He didn’t register Shizu-chan’s wordless yell for what it was until the lamppost sailed past his left shoulder and crashed into the building in front of him. Izaya’s reflexes kicked in too late making him duck and roll to the side. Rising to a crouch he glared back to see his beast grinning at him. Izaya gaped, that had been intentional, Shizu-chan had been doing this long enough he only missed when he wanted to.

_‘I love you Izaya’_

Moving quickly Izaya used the lamppost to scale the building. Desperately trying to process the information as quickly as he could while keeping ahead of Shizu-chan.

_No one I love ever loves me back._

The beast got to the low rooftop behind Izaya, but the raven was already heading for the next roof over, a little higher than this one.

_Shizu-chan missed on purpose?_ _But…_

_No one I love…_

Izaya faltered and almost tripped on a loose pipe on the next roof. It slowed him down and he glanced over his shoulder. The beast held back, waiting for him to regain his footing.

_…ever loves me back. What the hell Shizu-chan?_

Izaya tried a different tactic. He went down the stairs to this buildings roof and when he rounded a corner he slipped into a hallway. Taking an educated guess at the buildings layout he picked a door and went in. The room had a window that opened to an alley. The building across from them had a balcony. Perfect. Checking to see that the beast hadn’t followed him into the hallway Izaya ran to the largest window. Opening it he jumped out, aiming for the balcony a few floors below. He stopped his fall by grabbing the railing of the balcony. Now only two stories above the ground he dropped. Letting his knees buckle beneath him he rolled backwards and over his shoulder. Getting to his feet he exited the alley, looking around for Shizu-chan. No blond hair anywhere on the street.

_So much for that_

Everything was as it should be.

_No one I love…_

With a thundering crash the vending machine from down the street landed just inches in front of Izaya.

His eyes went wide, and he couldn’t keep the grin from his face as he looked down the street to see his monster still hot on his trail.

_‘I love you Izaya’_

_‘I won’t let you stop chasing me.’ ‘Good.’_

Tilting his head to the side he watched his monster come closer. Izaya wore a smirk on his lips, but his eyes were wide with realization and hope.

The street was empty by the time Shizuo stopped, once again a few feet away from Izaya. The few bystanders had run off, not wanting to be caught up in the inevitable fight.

“You said you love me?” Izaya’s words were as much a challenge as a question. He desperately wanted to believe Shizuo, but he had spent so long telling himself it was impossible. He’d spent years building walls, he wasn’t sure he could tear them down so easily.

Shizuo, always unpredictable, answered with his own observation. “You said ‘no on I love’ that makes it sound like you love me back.”

“That’s not how I would put it.” Izaya murmured to himself looking away from Shizuo for a moment.

He realized that he had a choice to make. He could stay behind his walls and let the beast keep bashing against them until he gave up. Or he could tear down his walls and take what he wanted. Knowing he would break when the monster finally came to his senses.

Confused and unable to control his emotions Izaya lashed out. Whipping out his knife he stabbed it deep into the vending machine in front of him. The motion made him realize what the deciding factor would be.

He put on a smile and looked towards his beast tilting his head to the side.

 “Will you keep chasing me?” he tried to put a light tone to his voice, but failed miserably.

Shizu-chan paused at this. “Yes.” He said finally, it was clear from his dejected tone what he thought that meant.

“Even if I say I love you?” He felt almost as if someone else were saying the words while he watched the scene play out.

Even so, when Shizuo’s eyes went wide, Izaya couldn’t suppress a smile. He could surprise his monster sometimes too. Shizu-chan took a few steps forward and Izaya’s heart skyrocketed as he was forcibly brought back to the reality of the moment.

“I will chase you. As long as you want a fight.” The beasts voice was low, his golden eyes bored into Izaya inches away from his own. “Every time you let me catch you, I will prove to you just how much I love you.”

Izaya met him stare for stare as a vicious grin slowly took over his lips, he let it spread until he thought his face would crack.

“That’s what I wanted to hear.” He purred.

Shizu-chan’s smile was every inch as vicious as Izaya’s. He let the sight of it sink in for a moment before he ducked around and past the beast. He paused for a moment at the corner of the nearest alley. Throwing a glance over his shoulder to his beast, he dashed off into the night again. Shizu-chan following a second later.

Izaya ran like he had when he left Russia Sushi. Quickly scaling a low building to get to a taller one. Only this time he kept to the rooftops, this time he had a destination in mind. Up here there were no witnesses to see them together and spread more rumors than were already starting. So Izaya didn’t hold back, he pushed the beast farther and farther reveling in the feeling of the chase. He led his monster through deserted alleys and buildings, marveling as Shizu-chan broke through a crumbling brick wall as if it were sand.

Eventually Izaya drew ahead of his beast far enough to slip into the window of a certain building. He quickly made his way across the room he’d entered and unlocked the door to let the other in.  It wouldn’t do for Shizu-chan to break down his own front door.

Moments later Shizu-chan burst into the room. Izaya let himself be pinned to the wall as the blond kicked the door shut behind them. Two overly strong hands enveloped his wrists. Shizuo’s body hovering over him mere inches away.

“Izaya”

His own name whispered so softly in his ear, in that deep voice. Contrasting so completely with their harsh breathing and the immovable force in front of him. It sent shivers down the raven’s spine. Red eyes met gold and they stood there, drinking each other in. Shizuo moved forward and closed the few inches between them, covering Izaya’s lips with his own.

The first kiss had been gentle, but it had been purely blind instinct and reflex on Shizuo’s part and a complete surprise to Izaya.

 This was different.

Shizuo parted his lips against Izaya’s but hesitated in uncertainty. Izaya knew what he was waiting for. Taking full advantage of the pause, he slipped his tongue into Shizu-chan’s mouth taking a thorough taste of his beast. Shizuo quickly responded and they twined their tongues together matching each other easily in passion and intensity. Izaya strained against the grip on his wrists pressing himself against Shizuo’s body. Shizuo released Izaya to twine the fingers of one hand into Izaya’s. The other he wrapped around the raven’s waist to pull Izaya closer. Izaya’s fingers returned Shizuo’s grip as he tangled his free hand into the soft blond locks.

The beast let out a displeased growl as Izaya pulled their lips apart.

“What was it you said to me?” The raven panted, eyes searching Shizuo’s face for a reaction “Every time I let you catch me…”

“...I’ll prove just how much I love you.” The beast was breathing hard as he finished the sentence.

It was written all over his face that he meant every word.

Izaya relaxed into the arm around his waist. “And how do you intend to do that?” he asked, part teasing, part terrified that the beast would wake up at any minute and say it was all a mistake.

His hesitation must have been apparent in his voice because Shizuo’s response was immediate and determined, like he was pouring his conviction into Izaya.

“Like this.” Shizuo released Izaya’s hand. Reaching down he swept the raven’s legs out from under him, lifting him as easily as a child.

Izaya’s eyes widened in surprise. He reflexively wrapped his arms around Shizuo’s neck to steady himself. He needn’t have bothered but he used it as an excuse to pull himself closer to the warm chest he was held against.

“Such a strong beast.” He murmured playfully. He didn’t try to make Shizuo release him.

Shizuo grunted in response and began moving towards the bedroom. His arms were warm and steady, his hands on Izaya’s legs and torso were slender and gentle. Izaya could feel that Shizuo was carrying something precious. His heart constricting painfully, he unconsciously rested his head on the beast’s chest. If Shizuo kept this up Izaya might start to believe that his feelings would last, that was dangerous.

Shizu-chan glanced down at him. Tightening his hold briefly, as if to tell Izaya not to worry.

Gently he let the raven down on the bed, hands placed on either side, so he could hover over him again. Izaya couldn’t move. He was frozen in place by the golden eyes boring into him. Shizuo shifted his weight slightly, so he could slip his hand under Izaya’s shirt.

The raven had been with many lovers. Back when he was trying to convince himself to give up on Shizu-chan. Some had even been gentle with him, but he’d never cared for that gentleness. But when it came from Shizu-chan he wanted it more than anything.

Shizuo’s hands were delicate as they removed his coat and shirt, he could feel the power behind the fingers that danced so lightly over his skin.

Izaya quickly overcame his shock and began undoing Shizuo’s clothes. He wanted to feel every inch of the beast’s skin. After allowing the vest and shirt to be pulled off Shizuo leaned in close again, whispering in the raven’s ear.

“I love you Izaya.”

Izaya could feel the truth in the words. They triggered a switch in his brain he had no idea how to deal with. Izaya believed the words with the touch of soft lips on his neck. He felt truth in the tip of the tongue that trailed lightly along his collar bone as Shizuo turned his attention to Izaya’s chest. Izaya’s back arched at the gentle touch of the too strong hands he loved so much playing along his sides.

_He really does love me back…_

He felt a burning begin in his eyes, blown wide from the sensation.

_No._

He wanted this so badly.

_Not here._

Izaya closed his eyes tightly.

_Not now._

Not in the arms of his beast.

The tenderness was too much. More than Izaya had ever felt and far more than he could handle. He did the only thing he could. He dug his nails into Shizuo’s back and pulled, he could feel deep red furrows forming under his fingers.

The beast glanced up at him, brows slightly furrowed. Izaya gave him the same vicious grin he had earlier that night. There was a terrifying pause while Shizu-chan studied his face. It was only a moment, but it felt like forever before the beast returned the grin and his grip on the raven tightened just enough.

The intolerable kindness was gone and Izaya could lose himself in the pleasure of his beast.

 

Afterwards they cuddled until Shizuo fell asleep with one arm wrapped loosely around Izaya’s waist.

It was amazing how quickly Shizu-chan had done a complete 180. Less than a week ago he’d been trying to kill Izaya. Now he was falling asleep in front of him, completely defenseless his face was relaxed and peaceful.

Izaya hoped Shizuo wouldn’t regret this in the morning. The feeling was terrifying. Hovering and warm in his chest. But Izaya took a deep breath and dared to hope that his beast wouldn’t change his mind.

Izaya didn’t know how long he lay there, watching his monster sleep as the feeling of their lovemaking faded from his body. Eventually he slipped from the warm arms and went about finding his clothes. Once he was dressed he leaned a hand on the bed and kissed Shizu-chan on the forehead before leaving the bedroom. Finding the spare key in a drawer in the coffee table he used it to lock the door behind himself and slipped it into his pocket. He’d return the key after he’d made a copy.

 

Once Izaya reached the safety of his own bedroom he sank to the floor, leaning his back against the door. His hands fell to his sides and the questions he hadn’t dared to ask began swirling around his mind.

“Why?” He finally asked aloud, his voice a soft whimper.

_Why Shizu-chan_

_Why do you love me?_

_Why now?_

_Why did you spend all those years hating me, only to decide you love me?_

_Why now you idiot?_

The questions whirled around in his head with no answers. When tears blurred Izaya’s vision he made no attempt to stop them or wipe them away as they made rivers down his face. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. He wrapped his arms around his legs. Huddling into a tiny ball, Izaya cried.

“What took you so long?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! The reason for the name of the chapter and the end of the sentence I named the story after. I'll fix everything and everyone will be happy by the time I end this story I promise! I do feel bad for making Izaya cry but I promise I will make it better. Now I have had a very long weekend and must go to bed. I hope you liked it and let me know what you think!


	10. Misunderstandings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so long weekend but here's the latest chapter, sorry it's kinda short. Also this is going to be the second to last chapter for this story so it's almost done! I hope you like it!

When Shizuo woke up the next morning he was alone. For one sickening moment he thought it might have been a dream. Then he saw the scratch marks on his arms and chest and breathed a sigh of relief. Izaya’s desire had been vicious and demanding. It had felt as if he had been trying to carve himself into Shizuo’s very flesh. Shizuo had welcomed the feeling, leaving his own marks on Izaya in turn. Looking at the fading red marks he smiled ruefully. Shizuo healed quickly but it was still a good thing he wore long sleeves on a regular basis. A feeling of want came over him as he remembered the grin Izaya had given him last night, biting and hungry. In the street it had been one of the most amazing things he’d ever seen.

Throwing off the blankets Shizuo headed into the bathroom. He hadn’t realized how much he’d been hoping Izaya would be in the other room until he passed through to the bathroom and found his apartment empty.

After emptying his bladder Shizuo examined himself in the mirror. Most of the marks from last night were already fading, they’d probably be gone by this evening, but there were eight deep gouges on his back that looked like they would take a couple of days to heal. Well, at least the flea would get to see his handiwork. Shizuo knew when these marks had been put there though. Just before Izaya had grinned at him again. That same hungry look on his face, but this time it had been off, just a little. Shizuo didn’t know what it was so he’d let it go. It was bothering him now.

Something was wrong.

Sighing he turned on the shower. He still had to go to work today. As the warm water washed over him he let his mind wander back, to last night’s events. A warm feeling filled his chest and a smile spread across his face as he remembered. Izaya had let him in. Izaya had kissed him back. Last night Shizuo had held Izaya.

Sure, the flea was hiding something but Shizuo had time and a chance to figure out what it was.

_Wait_ he thought suddenly _Should I still be calling him flea if I want to be dating him?_

He thought about it for a moment before he shrugged. _The flea is the flea. That’s the way it is._

As Shizuo finished his shower and went about the rest of his morning, his mind stayed on Izaya. He decided he would go to the flea’s apartment after work. He wanted to figure out what it was about Izaya’s behavior that was bothering him.  He just hoped Izaya would let him in. After all, Shizuo had no idea why Izaya had left in the middle of the night. It could just be that he had to work in the morning. This was Izaya though, so it probably wasn’t that simple. 

_‘No one I love ever loves me back.’_

Shizuo paused with his hand halfway to the doorknob. Izaya had sounded desperate when he said that. Maybe Shizuo had interpreted it wrong and Izaya was in love with someone else. Was he regretting what they did last night?

That wasn’t it.

_But when I said it sounded like he loved me back he said ‘I wouldn’t put it like that’_

Shizuo shook his head vigorously. He wouldn’t believe that Izaya was in love with someone else. Not unless he heard it from the man himself. Pushing the thought to the back of his mind, Shizuo left his apartment, forcing himself to walk to work instead of going to Shinjuku.

 

Following Tom to the next debtor Shizuo wondered if this day could go any slower. His mind never stayed far from Izaya. Was Izaya regretting what happened? Becoming lovers with your bitter enemy was strange after all. Had he decided that it was impossible?

_He never did say that he loved me._

_‘That sounds like you love me back’ ‘I wouldn’t put it like that.’_

_Then how would you put it Izaya? Were you just playing with me?_

It was at that point that one of Tom’s debtors decided to make a comment about his clothes. Shizuo sent him through the roof.

_No that’s not it. That grin was_ real _as was every moment after._

That was how the rest of the day seemed to go for Shizuo. He ignored almost everyone unless they got in his or Tom’s way, then he sent them flying. He felt bad about it but was too worried about what the flea was thinking to care much. He was vaguely aware of talking to Celty around lunch but didn’t think he told her much, which only seemed to worry her more.

The one person he wanted to see hadn’t shown up all day and Shizuo’s anxiety was getting worse. Finally they left the house of the last debtor, it was barely after 5:30. Tom looked at his list.

“That’s the last of them for today Shizuo, you can go.”

“Thanks Tom” Shizuo started to go then turned back. He knew he’d been hard to deal with today “Sorry about today too. I was kinda… out of control.”

“It’s fine.” Tom said casually “Just, whatever’s bothering you, I hope it works out.”

Shizuo nodded “Thanks for today”

Tom nodded as Shizuo turned to go. He was headed straight for Shinjuku when he paused. He hadn’t seen Izaya all day, and wasn’t Russia Sushi having a special on fatty tuna? Izaya was always coming to Ikebukuro for that stuff. If Shizuo brought some maybe the flea would be more likely to let him in.

 

* * *

 

Izaya hadn’t slept. When Namie arrived he’d just finished his second cup of coffee. It wasn’t helping. Whenever he tried to concentrate his mind took him back to last night. He couldn’t keep a happy secretive smile off his face every time he remembered leading the beast through the streets. He could still picture the look of desire and pure emotion on his monster’s face when the game had changed in Shizu-chan’s apartment. Within two hours he’d finished three more cups of coffee and gotten no work done. He leaned back in his chair with a sigh after he found himself staring blankly at the screen of his computer thinking about the feel of Shizuo’s fingers on his skin and the heat of his beast’s body for what felt like the tenth time. He glanced at Namie sitting on the couch.

“That will be all for today Namie-san.” He said, pitching his voice up to a cheerful mocking tone.

“What?” She said giving him a disapproving look.

“I’m going to go out and play today” Izaya said pushing himself out of his chair and prancing around the desk “So I’m giving you the rest of the day off.”

She stared at him for a moment “Okay” She shrugged her shoulders as if deciding she didn’t care, and gathered her things.

Izaya leaned on his desk as he watched her leave. He needed to sleep and he certainly didn’t want her in his apartment while he was that defenseless. Not that she couldn’t get back in, but it was the principle of the thing. Besides, she wouldn’t _know_ he was sleeping.

Just as he was about to head to his bedroom his phone rang. Izaya thought about ignoring it, but it was his personal phone. Only a few people had that number and they wouldn’t call unless it was important.

Glancing at the caller ID he answered.

“What do you want?” He asked curtly.

“Hey Izaya” The cheerful voice on the other end of the line ignored the harsh greeting “Why don’t you come have lunch with me today?”

“I’m busy Shinra” Izaya snapped.

“Oh come on.” Shinra said plaintively “It won’t take long. I’ll meet you at Russia Sushi in half an hour.”

Before Izaya could complain more the doctor hung up.

The raven glared at his phone. Lunch in half an hour. Clearly Shinra wanted something. He glanced down at himself, he was wearing the same clothes he’d had on yesterday. Shinra wanted to talk to him? Fine, he’d talk, but if it was something stupid Izaya would kill him. He headed into the bedroom to change then paused. Russia Sushi meant going to Ikebukuro. He was still savoring the memories and didn’t want to ruin it just yet by seeing Shizu-chan. He pulled out his phone.

[We can get lunch, but meet me at the Tai place in Shinjuku] He told Shinra.

[But Russia Sushi is having a special on fatty tuna today.] Shinra responded almost as soon as he’d sent the message.

That was true but…

[I’m busy and I want Tai food today] Izaya didn’t want to see Shizu-chan until after he’d slept.

There was a brief pause and Izaya was afraid Shinra would keep arguing or worse, call him out on the real reason he wouldn’t go to Russia Sushi.

[Alright] the response finally came, then a moment later [I’ll see you in 30 minutes]

Izaya took his time changing surprised to find dark purple bruises Shizuo had left scattered across his skin. He grinned to himself as he sucked down another cup of coffee before heading out to meet Shinra.

 

Half an hour later Izaya was sitting across from Shinra at the best Tai place in Shinjuku. Shinra was studying the menu and Izaya was studying Shinra. He waited until the waiter took their orders and left before leaning back in his chair and folding his arms.

“So what do you want?” Izaya was tired, he didn’t feel like teasing it out of Shinra.

“What do you mean?” Shinra gave him an innocent look.

Izaya rolled his eyes. “You called me here for a reason. What is it?”

“Well actually” Shinra quipped “I tried to get you to come to Russia Sushi, but we’re here instead soo…”

“The reason Shinra.” Izaya allowed some of his annoyance to bleed into his voice.

“I just wanted to talk” the brunet shrugged.

“About what?” If Izaya had to dig much further he might just leave.

Shinra pulled the dessert menu towards himself and began studying it. “Shizuo.”

Izaya struggled to keep his face impassive at the mention of Shizu-chan.

“Why would _I_ want to talk about _him_ ” He put as much derision into his tone as he could muster. It wasn’t as much as he would like.

 “Because yesterday he was going to talk to you about something important and now Celty says the whole city knows he’s in a bad mood.” Shinra was studying his face carefully for his reaction. “So, either he didn’t find you or it didn’t go well.”

“Didn’t go well huh” Izaya murmured to himself as a heavy weight settled in his chest.

_No one I love ever loves me back. Damn him._

So Shizuo had talked to his friends about his feelings and now his friends were worried about him. It made sense. Shizuo lived on instinct and intuition, it made people like him. Unlike Izaya.

“If you don’t love him you don’t have to accept him.” Shinra said.

“What?” Izaya looked up. Shinra’s face wore concern.

“I’ve thought for a while now that you were in love with him. That’s why I encouraged him.” Shinra looked… worried? “I thought that’s what you wanted when you came to my place.”

“Did you tell him that?” So Shinra had encouraged the monster, and he knew why Izaya had been there.

“No” Shinra said, too quickly.

“Oh?” The raven quirked an eyebrow.

“I just told him that I thought you would make a good couple, and implied that he had a chance.” The brunet watched the raven hopefully.

“A good couple?” Izaya snorted. “Only you would think that Shinra.” At least Shizu-chan didn’t know how he felt.

The doctor smiled happily, and he opened his mouth to respond, but Izaya cut him off.

“It doesn’t matter though.” He tried to keep his voice light and cheerful “Last night I accepted him. So, if he’s on a rampage it’s because he changed his mind.” He lowered his tone dangerously “Now if we’re done talking about our feelings, I’m going home.”

“But Izaya…” Shinra started, wide eyed with concern and excitement.

“Thanks for lunch.” Izaya cooed derisively as he grabbed his coat and waved the waiter over.

“Izaya wait!” Shinra tried to stop him but was held up by the waiter with the check.

By the time Shinra got to the door Izaya was long gone. Leaving his food completely untouched.

 

So, the beast was unhappy with what happened.

“Figures” Izaya muttered.

Back in his apartment he spent hours checking the dollars website and other chatrooms. “No one I love will ever love me back.” He told himself firmly “It’s nothing new.”

The pain in his chest wouldn’t go away. Hope that had filled it curling in and crushing itself against his heart and stomach, as well as any other internal organs it could find.

“If that moron was going to regret it this quickly he should have just left me alone in the first place.”

He felt tears spill over his eyelids and wiped them away angrily. He should have been prepared for this. Hope only ever brought pain. The anger quickly subsided, leaving him empty. With nothing but the crushing feeling in his chest and lungs.

_This is how it’s always been_. He told himself silently _You can handle this. At least the beast figured it out now before you started to really believe him._

Izaya had no idea how long he sat there, staring blankly at his computer screens that soon faded to black. Sitting amongst the ruins of the walls he’d torn down last night, unable to summon the energy to start building them up again. He repeated those words to himself over and over, as if they could offer some kind of comfort. They did nothing to ease the pain and a horrible feeling of emptiness slowly overtook his mind.

When the doorbell rang it pulled him out of his trancelike state. He glanced at the clock, it was after six.

_If I don’t answer they’ll just go away._

But then he wouldn’t know who it was.

Rising from his desk Izaya answered the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said I would make it all better and I haven't done that yet... but there's still one chapter left so you just have to wait a little while longer. Also if you're interested I'm planning a sequel! I want to do some things with what I've done here but I don't think it fits the title. I also want to add some more tags but I don't want to add them to this one so... sequel yay! I'll be taking a couple of weeks before I start posting it though because I want to iron out a few details. In the meantime, I've got a oneshot that I wrote for these two in the poem the highwayman, so if you want to read that I'll be posting it in a few weeks.


	11. Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... last chapter yikes. I hope you like it!

Izaya opened the door, to find himself face to face with Shizu-chan, one hand raised to ring the doorbell again. Izaya blinked.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He demanded, trying to hide his exhaustion.

Shizuo stared at him stupidly for a moment.

“Ah” the beast lifted his other hand with a box from Russia Sushi. “I brought fatty tuna.”

Izaya sighed. _Right. My monster is a good person. I guess he wants to cut this off properly._

“Is that really necessary?” He asked, in a tone he knew to be infuriatingly condescending.

Shizuo narrowed his eyes. “Yes.”

He pushed past Izaya into the apartment. “I hadn’t seen you, and figured you could use some food.”

“So you brought sushi for the second day in a row.” Izaya pointed out.

“Do you want it or not?” the beast countered.

Izaya looked at the box in Shizuo’s hands. “I’m not hungry.”

He closed the door and walked past Shizuo, grabbing the sushi as he did. He knew where this was going, but, there was still a chance Izaya could save the chase.

“So why are you here? Did you not get enough last night?” He used the derisive tone that was almost guaranteed to drive the beast into a blind rage.

He didn’t want to notice as Shizuo’s face fell. Izaya grimaced and turned away taking the sushi to the fridge. The monster would go right back to chasing him if he believed Izaya had no emotional attachment.

“So last night meant nothing to you?” Shizuo called after him.

Izaya closed the fridge and breathed in. Lying to the beast was always tricky.

“And should it have meant something?” He kept his voice light, plastering a smile to his face as he tilted his head to the side.

Shizuo put his hands in his pockets “I guess I kind of expected that.” He sighed looking at the floor. “For a little while I really thought…”

Izaya forced a smirk. It was better this way.

“What does it matter Shizu-chan?” He asked, cheerfully as he could “It meant nothing to either of us. That just means it will be easier to go back to trying to kill each other.”

So far Izaya had managed to keep the smile on his face, and it looked like the monster believed it to be genuine. This was going to work.

“I can’t do that.”

Izaya felt as though Shizuo had punched him, as the blond’s single phrase knocked all the air from his lungs. He forced back the sob in his throat and closed his eyes against the tears.

_Please don’t let me lose my monster._

 

* * *

 

Shizuo stood in front of Izaya’s apartment. He raised his hand and rang the doorbell. After a moment he started slowly counting in his head. When he got to one hundred he reached to ring the doorbell again. Before he could the door opened and Izaya’s tired face peaked out. Shizuo furrowed his brows. It looked like Izaya hadn’t slept.

 It was far too easy to push past the raven into the apartment.

_Is he really alright?_ He wondered as Izaya rejected the food.

“Did you not get enough last night?”

Shizuo watched as Izaya put the sushi in the fridge. His movements were slow but Shizuo’s mind was on other things.

_I have to know_

“So last night meant nothing to you?”

“And should it have meant something?”

It felt like there was a hand squeezing Shizuo’s heart. Making it almost impossible to breath.

“I guess I kind of expected that.” But last night, “For a little while I really thought…”

“What does it matter Shizu-chan?” Izaya interrupted him.  “Last night meant nothing to either of us. That just means it will be easier to go back to trying to kill each other.”

Shizuo looked at the fake smile on Izaya’s face. The one he had always hated. He felt nothing. No rage, no anger, not even frustration. He couldn’t go back to how things were as if nothing had happened. Last night had meant something to him.

“I can’t do that.” He said heavily.

He glanced up only to see Izaya squeeze his eyes shut. He looked like he had been struck. Taking a breath Izaya opened his mouth to speak.

“Why not Shizu-chan?” Izaya didn’t open his eyes, seemingly waiting for Shizuo’s response.

 “I love you Izaya.” Was the only answer he could find.

The raven opened his eyes wide to stare at Shizuo.

“How can you say that?” He demanded eyes flashing angrily. “You hate me Shizu-chan. You’ve always hated me! Why say you love me now?”

Shizuo stared for a moment, shocked at the response.

Izaya’s voice was pleading and lost. Shizuo desperately wanted to comfort him and pull him in close. He didn’t know how Izaya felt about him, so he didn’t dare. Izaya seemed extremely delicate right now. Shizuo was afraid that if he pushed the wrong way or said the wrong thing, the raven would retreat. Shizuo didn’t want Izaya to lock himself away in his own head.

Even if Izaya didn’t love him back Shizuo was still in love with Izaya. He hated to see the flea in pain. Carefully Shizuo reached out. Gently as he could he took Izaya’s slim wrists in his hands. He brought Izaya’s fingers to his lips, kissing them softly.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered “I’m sorry I can’t go back to the way things were. I’ve realized how I feel and I can’t fight you like I did before.”

He closed his eyes and pressed Izaya’s fingers to his forehead. He held the raven’s wrists loosely prepared to let go if at any time Izaya tried to pull away. He didn’t.

Finally, the blond opened his eyes and searched Izaya’s face. Finding only confusion and doubt, he opened his mouth to say more but Izaya beat him to it.

“If you love me, and I slept with you last night, why were you on a rampage earlier?” Izaya’s face was impassive, giving Shizuo no hint of what he was thinking.

“I was worried.” He said simply.

The raven raised a questioning eyebrow, pulling his hands from Shizuo’s grasp.

“Last night you wouldn’t say you loved me back.” He explained “You were gone when I woke up this morning so…”

“So?” Izaya prompted when Shizuo paused.

“So” He took a deep breath. “I love you Izaya. I love you even if you don’t love me back; and I was afraid you might regret what happened last night.”

For a moment Izaya’s eyes opened wide in surprise; but they quickly narrowed in anger.

“Regret?” He whispered dangerously.

Izaya lunged for Shizuo’s shirt. The blond took a reflexive step back, half expecting to find a knife in the raven’s hands, Izaya followed. Shoving Shizuo against a wall he fisted his hands in the bartender uniform. Izaya put his face inches from Shizuo’s his eyes glinting like ruby’s.

“I was going to let you off.” Izaya hissed “You just had to come here and push that much harder. So now, if you ever try to take back what happened last night you may as well kill me. Because that’s the only way you’re getting rid of me.”

Shizuo could feel Izaya’s breath on his face as he uttered the words, and it clicked.

_‘No one I love ever loves me back.’_

What had bothered Shizuo.

_‘You’ve always hated me.’_

Why Izaya had left.

_‘Why say you love me now?’_

_I am such an idiot!_ Shizuo realized.

There were dark circles under the raven’s eyes and his hand’s were trembling ever so slightly. Shizuo wanted nothing more than to take Izaya in his arms and hug him. To stroke the raven hair and pamper him. Shizuo wanted to show Izaya all the tender affection he had to give. But he couldn’t.

_Just how long has he been in love with me?_

It seemed like every muscle in Izaya’s body was tense. Judging from last night Shizuo didn’t think he could handle tenderness. The blond did the only other thing he could.

He grabbed the raven’s wrists again and responded with a force matching Izaya’s.

“I guess you’re stuck with me then.” He threw all the vicious happiness he had into the words. “Because I couldn’t kill you even when I wanted to.”

Izaya held his eyes. Their breaths came heavy Shizuo’s heart pounding in his chest. Then Izaya grabbed the back of his neck as Shizuo wrapped his arm around Izaya’s waist. They threaded the fingers of their free hands together as their lips met.

The kiss was forceful, almost desperate as they both tried to confirm their feelings for each other. Izaya tangled his fingers into Shizuo’s hair, the blond pulled him closer. The raven pulled is hand from Shizuo’s and removed the bowtie, he produced a knife. Shizuo jerked back and eyed him apprehensively. Izaya’s grin was mischievous and catlike.

“Don’t worry Shizu-chan.” He purred quietly as he pressed the knife to Shizuo’s chest, blade facing down. “I’m not going to cut you.”

He slid the knife down, neatly cutting the buttons off the bartender vest.

Shizuo gripped his shoulder. “Izaya” He growled trying not to get angry. Kasuka gave him these clothes.

“I know.” The raven’s purr had turned sultry and teasing. “The repairs will be simple, and I’ll pay for it.” He slipped the knife into the dress shirt and paused, waiting for permission.

Shizuo growled and bit Izaya’s neck. The raven took that as all the permission he was going to get. The knife slid down Shizuo’s chest, it’s blade like ice against his skin.

With the buttons out of the way Izaya stripped off Shizuo’s vest and shirt. Shizuo in turn pulled Izaya’s shirt off discarding the knife along with the clothes.  He started pushing Izaya back towards the couch. When they reached it Izaya fell over the arm. He propped himself up on his hands to look at Shizuo with his head cocked to one side.

“Not the bed?” He asked mockingly.

Shizuo shrugged “I don’t know where it is.”

Izaya snorted “I’ll show it to you later.” He wrapped his arms around Shizuo’s neck and pulled him down. Shizuo followed without complaint. Desire mounting beneath his midriff, a hunger that could only be satisfied by one person.

 

Shizuo untangled himself from Izaya’s sleeping form. The feel of the raven’s warmth lingering on his skin as he searched for his clothes. He could still hear Izaya’s hoarse voice ringing in his ears, calling his name as they climaxed together.  After they had finished the raven had mumbled something about Shizuo being a stupid beast and fallen right to sleep.

Once Shizuo had slipped into his pants he glanced once more at the sleeping raven. Then he headed upstairs and started opening doors. The first door he opened was a closet, but the one across from it led to a bedroom. Everything in the room, from the large western style bed to the strange paintings decorating the wall, said ‘Izaya’. Shizuo decided it was the right one. Going back downstairs he carefully pulled the flea off the couch, maneuvering until he could carry him without Izaya waking. Slowly Shizuo then headed to the bedroom. Setting the raven on the bed Shizuo covered him with a blanket.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and softly stroked Izaya’s hair. Studying his sleeping face. It was clear the flea hadn’t slept since the last time Shizuo had seen him. His slow even breathing hadn’t changed since Shizuo moved him from the couch. The blond started to talk.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize I love you. But, you love me too. Don’t you?’

He sighed and ran his thumb over the raven’s closed eyelids.

“At least I think you do. It would be nice to hear you say it, but I don’t you think can. Not yet anyway.”

Shizuo pulled the covers up a little to cover an exposed shoulder.

“It’s alright, I can wait.”

He lingered to watch the raven sleep for a little while; before leaning down and gently touching his lips to Izaya’s forehead.

“I love you.” He whispered quietly, enjoying the taste of the words.

Shizuo wanted to get into the bed with Izaya and stay there until morning. Strange as it was waking up with the flea next to him seemed like it could be an amazing thing. However, last night Izaya had drawn a line and Shizuo was terrified of what would happen if he crossed that line before Izaya was ready.

Shizuo quietly left the room. He didn’t see red eyes snap open at the sound of the door closing. Or hear the words “I love you too.” Whispered to an empty room before the eyes drifted slowly closed again, as slumber overtook the raven.

The blond went back downstairs and picked up Izaya’s clothes, folding them carefully he set them on the arm of Izaya’s couch. After finding a pad of paper and a safety pin in the kitchen he wrote a quick note.

 

_[Borrowing the spare key to lock up. I’ll return it when I see you next.]_

He paused then scrawled at the bottom of the page

_[I love you]_

 

Shizuo would never try to take that back and he would never let Izaya doubt it. Shizuo didn’t want the raven to make the same mistake he had. He had found the spare key in a table by the door and it was as good an excuse as any to leave a note.

Using the safety pin to close his vest the debt collector tucked his shirt into his pants and fastened his bowtie at the neck. His clothes still looked odd, but it would do for the walk home. He placed the note on the flea’s computer where he was sure to see it. Locking the door behind himself he slipped the key into his pocket and headed home.

 

Shizuo felt a strange sense of peace as he walked back to Ikebukuro. He’d opted out of taking the stuffy train in favor of the cool night air. He thought about Izaya as he walked.

_I wonder how long he’s known that he loved me. It couldn’t have been from the beginning… could it?_

_‘For you two fighting is like flirting’_ Shinra had said that.

_It certainly felt that way last night. But has it always been like that?_

He thought back to when he first caught Izaya. The rush he’d felt when he had Izaya pinned to the wall. The overwhelming thrill of the fight.

_I guess it’s been in the background. Now that I’m aware of it I can see it there._

Thinking like that he wondered if it was alright for things to stay the way they were now.

_Maybe they have to stay the way they are. After all, there’s no way things can change now, it’s been too long. I don’t know about Izaya, but I can’t give up the chase just yet._

He thought about Izaya’s smile and chuckled to himself. That was a stupid thing to worry about.

_He loves it as much as I do. Maybe even more._

Shizuo relaxed as he reached his apartment.

_If nothing else changes, then things are fine the way they are._

 

* * *

 

When Izaya opened his eyes, he had no idea how he’d gotten to his bed.

_I must have wandered up here sometime after lunch with Shinra._

Sighing he put an arm over his eyes blocking out the early morning light. His dreams were becoming far too vivid. Izaya didn’t want to wake up knowing this one wasn’t real.

_‘I guess you’re stuck with me then.’_

Izaya sighed again, Shizu-chan would never say something like that. Where did his subconscious come up with these things?

Getting up Izaya got dressed. He must have spent too much time sitting yesterday because his back hurt and his body was stiff all over. Groaning Izaya headed downstairs, deciding he may as well force himself to eat something. Stumbling through his living room in a sleepy haze Izaya opened his fridge. He blinked, once, twice.

_Why is there a box from Russia Sushi in my fridge?_

In his dream Shizu-chan had… Izaya shook his head vigorously. Shinra must have brought it over, he’d seemed worried yesterday. Izaya grabbed the box, it would do as well for breakfast as anything else in his apartment.

He took the sushi over to his computer and sat down. The raven glanced at his desk and froze. There was a slip of white paper sitting innocently on his keyboard. Slowly he set the sushi box next to his monitor. Izaya delicately reached out and picked up the note. He could tell at a glance what it said but he took the time to read it carefully.

  _[Borrowing the spare key to lock up. I’ll return it when I see you next._

_I love you.]_

The words were written in a careful scrawl Izaya had seen only a few times before.

_It wasn’t a dream_.

He pulled his feet onto the chair and rested his elbow on his knees, dangling the note between two fingers. A smile crept onto his lips as he rested his cheek on his arm, reading the note again. This was making him way too happy. He didn’t care as he reviewed the events of last night under a whole new light.

_It really happened._

Grinning stupidly to himself Izaya folded the note carefully and tucked it into his pocket. Finally switching on his computer and starting on his breakfast.

_My monster loves me back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it that is how I envisioned this story ending when I started writing it. Since then I have come up with some additional story line and have decided to write it, but since it doesn't fit the title any more I will be making this into a series. Not yet, cause I haven't thought up a name... I'm also gonna take a couple of weeks before I start posting because I need to iron out a few details first. Anyway, let me know what you think of this one!!


End file.
